Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Almost another one

Yep, I am flooding over with entries.
But I have a two hour gap between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays so I brought my laptop today to keep myself entertained until I have actual homework to work on.

Today, I almost had another meltdown.
Really? What is wrong with me?
I guess I should go back to giving myself a little slack but this, as I have stated before, is the most difficult task for me.

As I mentioned my biology teacher is a bit wacky and he gave me shivers on Monday.
Today I almost lost my composure. Yet again.
I am really questioning if I was/am ready for normal life.
Maybe I should have waited a tad longer?

The biology teacher was trying to show us how our thoughts are ever constant. How we are never not thinking and in doing so we are never "here" in the moment.
But we should be "here" and be observant. We should try to bring ourselves back to "here" or we will miss out on the present.
He also talked about how we are a dualist society. Things are black or white. Bad or good. Interesting or boring. Same or different.
But as a society, we forget about the gap or the grey area between two opposites. And in that gap transformation can happen.

I know it seems small/trivial for most people and totally not biology but this is where I almost lost it. I felt the tears welling up.
Inside my head, "please don't cry, please don't cry.
Please do not let these young punks see me cry."

His whole point besides being very into Tai Chi and Qigong like Roger was that when we think we know something is this certain way or that way, we do not see life for what it truly is. If we think we know something, then we are blind to those things that may be different and things we do not know.
We will get in our own ways of transformation and gaining new knowledge.
It was a good class I promise.
It just spoke to me on other levels.
It almost felt like Roger was talking to me.

And the worst part, I so just want to talk to Roger about it. I know he would love hearing this stuff. I know he would just love this teacher. They would hang out and discuss martial arts, chi energy, and different Tai Chi forms.
I also just want to talk to him about school in general.
Tell him about my day.
Tell him about the good things and the bad. And I can not do that with other people. Its just not the same.
This part of missing him is worse now with "normal" life.
I think its becoming even more apparent that he is not here.
Not that I did not notice it before but now with "normal" life its really showing its ugly head.
And I hate it.
I hate every moment of it.
But I really would love to just keep my composure?

2 comments:

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. I just recently reunited with a love I lost twenty years ago to circumstance, and I am painfully aware of all of the years I spent without him, and of how precarious time can be, and how unwilling I am to waste any more of it. I know that this doesn't compare to your situation, but I feel so deeply for you. Hang in there.

Anna Grace said...

Dear Star,
I know somewhat how you feel. I lost my dear brother Isaac on Sept. 28th 2007. My situation is not the same as yours, and I cannot even pretend to imagine how you must feel. I am very sorry. These past 16 months have been the hardest of my life...grief ALWAYS makes thing harder. I want you to know that I am praying for you during this hard time in your life. I'll be thinking about you.
~Anna
(PS) You don't know me. I found your blog through followers of other blogs. I started at Emily Elizabeth's blog...do you know her?