Saturday, January 10, 2009

From the top

Of course I think a lot about our situation, our relationship, and our life right before Roger died.
And in a way, I'm grateful for the timing.
As crappy as it was for me and our plans, I can not really think of a better time if I had to choose. Strange way to think, I know.
But it is somewhat comforting to me.

Roger was on top of life.
We were on top of life.
And really that is the way to go.
On the complete top of the world.

Roger had accomplished so many of his goals including passing his PMP exam and graduating in philosophy.
He was accepted into UCF's graduate certificate program for computer forensics.
We had a wonderful wedding.
We were having fun being married.
He was healthy and strong.
Nothing was ailing him.

Not to mention we had a wonderful July and August.
In July, we had a fabulous third annual fourth of July party with tons of our friends. More people than Roger even wanted but I am so grateful people got to celebrate with us and see Roger alive and well.
People got to see fireworks so close they could literally feel them on their skin as they landed.
We were even making plans about the fourth of July 2009 party.

In August, we went to a piano bar called Howl at the Moon when our friend Scott won a party for 100 of his closest friends.
Roger teased Scott for throwing him a huge party.
With Roger's birthday a few days away, I had the bar write "Happy Birthday Roger" with a dollar from Roger's pocket.
Roger and I ended up not sitting next to each other just due to set up of the table and the addition of new people.
But that was okay, I could stare at him from across the table.
I was totally in love.

Two weeks before the accident, we went to the beach with Holly and Scott to celebrate Roger's birthday, their trash the dress photo shoot, and just hang out.
I brought a "very homemade" Publix cake to celebrate.
Roger looked great.
He had cut his hair in honor of his birthday.
It was an amazing weekend. We spent time at the pool, had amazing seafood, had beachside ice cream, long walks on the beach, and just lots of fun.
We had (and I still do) amazing friends.

Life was good.
Life was actually absolutely amazing.
Life was going so well.
I remember the night before the accident just being incredibly happy with our life.
I was examining my life since we were reaching our six month wedding anniversary.
And although I may have some regrets about not remembering exactly what shirt he was wearing or what exactly we were talking about right when the accident happened, I have no regrets about our relationship.
Just more time would have been nice.

Roger was on top.
The exact way anyone wants to die.
And for that, I'm so grateful.


Teri said...

Great post, Star. What a nice reflection of how wonderful and real your relationship with Roger was.

txmomx6 said...

"I have no regrets about our relationship.
Just more time would have been nice.

Roger was on top.
The exact way anyone wants to die.
And for that, I'm so grateful."

You have voiced what it also in my heart.
Even though I hate being on this 'path' with every fiber of my being, I so thankful to find others walking on it with me, and we understand each other, without knowing one another.
Thank you,

Holly said...

I think about 4th of July, Howl at the Moon, and the beach weekend a lot too. We really had a great time. I too just wish we could have added more memories with Roger, but I'm very thankful every day that I get to have more memories with you because I don't know what I'd do without you to call when I'm walking to Publix and locked out of the house haha.

Crash Course Widow said...

I've felt the same way: grateful that Charley and I had one last crystalline, perfect month before he died.

We always had a wonderful life together, those 2 years and 9 months from the time we got back together until he died. There were little things here and there, but honestly, they were unbelievably tiny, and we knew it. Everything was perfect.

Which, on the one hand, made it all the more jarring and torturous to go from such a high to such a vacuum with one visit from the police when they came to tell me he'd died 2 hrs prior. But at least it enabled me to have absolutely no regrets, ever.

And I understand how you're sort of grateful for the timing of Roger's death, given that you can't change the fact of it in the first place. Aside from thinking the same thing myself, about just Charley and me, I also was "glad" [snort] of the timing with Anna, because it made it a little easier that she was young enough to not really notice or know what happened. And she was right at an age where she'd just started waving bye-bye.

Came in handy, as she had to wave bye-bye to her daddy and gum a kiss on his cold finger, when we viewed him 2 days after he died, the first time I got to see him since the crash.

Bye-bye, indeed....

Crash Course Widow said...

And I was also grateful that Charley got the best possible death for him: instant, without knowing it was happening, with no illness or decline or painful drop in physical or cognitive abilities. He got his perfect death, in the most perfect way possible.

For him at least. And if you take Anna and his having to leave her out of the equation. He never wouldn't have wanted that.

But the knowledge did bring me comfort. (At the beginning at least; it was a cold, empty comfort later...couldn't say if it's a good or a complicated comfort these days.)

Thanks for voicing this attitude about Roger's death. It's nice to hear other people react the same way I did.