Friday, January 2, 2009

Unpredictable

I really thought I knew how the holidays and the last few days would have been for me.
But its a good thing I do not work for an astrologer. I would have been fired.
I thought I would be inconsolable for Christmas.
Wrong! I was mostly okay. Yes, I was sad. But I found myself able to enjoy the day. I was able to enjoy my friends. I was able to have fun.
I thought I would be excited about New Years.
Wrong!! I was incredibly sad. I cried all day about various things and at various times. I still find myself crying a lot.
Even during a massage, I found tears falling off my face.
I thought I would be excited about my vacation starting today.
Wrong!!! I'm so scared. Will I be happy enough? Will I ruin other people's time?

When I told my counselor I was going on a cruise for a friend's 30th birthday, she was excited. More than I have been.
I need a vacation. I need to get away. She wanted me to enjoy myself a little. Relax a little.
She said it was good timing. It would give me something to look forward to as the holidays went past.
And she was right. I was looking forward to it. And it did help me get through the holidays. At least until New Years was upon me.

Since August, people keep asking me "So what do you do all day?" as in "Geez, you aren't working so what in the world to you do to keep busy?"
The funny thing is this has been like a job.
There are things to do for the accident, there are things to do for all the life insurances, things for the auto insurances, things for health insurance, things for my quitting of my job, and there are forms for this and that and for everything in between.
I am not just sitting around having fun.
Yes, it is not a normal job. And yes I do get to have lunch with friends a lot and sleep in but its not all fun and games. Its not even a little fun and games.

And now, as I am about to go on vacation, I am scared.
I hate being Debbie Downer.
I do not want to be the sad girl like I am feeling a few hours beforehand.
I hate ruining other people's days especially birthdays.
This weekend is not about me. I do not want it to be focused on me.
And then there are the strangers.
It is so scary meeting and hanging out with strangers.

Yet, I'm trying to say positive and remember who knows what the next few hours will be like.
God knows, my mood and emotions may change in the next few hours and days.
Sigh...

2 comments:

Holly said...

I wouldn't worry about being a Debbie Downer or ruining anyone's bday or anything like that - you're going with friends, they understand, and I bet they will do a pretty damn good job of distracting you if nothing else. Take pictures of places with warmer weather so we can all be jealous lol.

Deb said...

Oh Star, you are always so worried about other people. Its one of your best qualities. But I think you need to be a little selfish. You aren't going to ruin anyone's trip, even if you aren't happy 100% of the time. Just go, don't worry and whatever happens happens...but I bet you will manage to have a little fun! Cruises are great!