Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I am finally home after a little vacation time.
It was nice to have a vacation. Some time out in the sun and in the sea.
To be out of Orlando, out of this house, out of the normal routine for me, and away from the stack of work I have to do around here.
But it was also nice to return home. The cats were grateful to see me.
To be back in Orlando, back in this house, back to the normal routine for me, and back to the stack of work to do around here.

The part of my vacation that was spent in Miami was more difficult than I thought though.
I am quite unpredictable to myself. Which Roger would laugh at since I like everything to be planned.
There were just so many memories. So many stories both funny and sad.
So many people's faces to look into. To see to the depths of their souls. To see a little bit of their pain.
So many people who loved Roger and I know I am a reminder.

The one person that I know I remind the most is Roger's mom.
Looking at her just hurts me. It shakes me to my core.
He is Rogelito (Little Rogelio) to her.
I know she is in pain.
She has lost so much too. She lost her only son. Her youngest child.
She is a widow too.
She lost her husband in a car accident almost seven years ago.
She is such a lovely woman who does not deserve this.
How unfair for her to relive this type of grief again.
How unfair for her to watch as her sisters become grandparents and she will not see grandchildren from Roger. I caught her watching me as I was holding one of the cousins' babies. I could see how she wanted that from Roger and me. She wanted this before Roger died and I am sure there is new pain since he is gone. She even prayed for the pitter patter of feet during Thanksgiving 2007. The summer before last she joked about practicing with one of Eddy's kids.

This morning she made me Cuban coffee as usual and we sat down to drink our coffee together. It is a little ritual that started one of the first few times I visited. Most of the time it was alone but sometimes Roger would be there as well.
For a woman who says she does not speak much English, we can have a pretty decent conversation.
For forty-five minutes, we talked about my plans for the houses, for work, and for my future.
Before I left, I saw some tears roll down her face as we talked about the accident and the trip up to Orlando that day.
I know it pains her that did not see him on his 34th birthday.
I know it pains her that we had not visited for a while.
And I could feel her a little worried as I drove away this morning.

The good thing after this weekend is how she still claims me as her daughter.
How all of his family still claims me as a cousin, niece, sister, or whatever.
It is such an honor to me. It was one of my deepest fears when Roger first died that I might lose them.
I know I will always be part of his family which is now my family.
Rogelito gave me the best gift with his family.
For that I am very grateful.
Eternally grateful.

So Mr. New Husband, wherever you are, you better start getting geared up for Rogelito's Cuban family and what they mean to me.
My Cuban family is the best!


Joanne said...

Star, you are so lucky to have them all in your life. That's one thing about Hispanic families - once you're in, you're in! :o) They will always be there for you.

Love you and can't wait to see you soon.


Holly said...

I love your Cuban family - they are all so awesome!!