I would read any book or any brochure that could really tell me what I was really in for...
I have gleaned a lot of information and through lots of counseling realized I am pretty normal and no book or brochure can fully explain my grief.
And although the grief is really not a step by step "process" and it is different for each person, I can find comfort and information through continuing to read.
In all this reading, lots of things talk about how I will never be the old me.
And at first I did not really believe it.
How could I really change.
How could I not be who I was.
But then, I started noticing how I have started to change and morph.
When I see old pictures of me, they seem so long ago. Like decades not months.
It seems to me like there is a completely different girl staring back at me in those photos.
I almost do not even recognize me.
Yes, I know I have lost a lot of weight but its more than that.
Deeper. Beyond the surface.
Then there are other changes.
Like how I can not stand certain cereals.
How I can not even think about eating oatmeal.
Certain activities are now off limits to me.
I not quite as a risk taker as I was (I hope this comes back the most).
Then there are the memory issues which I hope improve.
Not to mention the hyper-alertness in traffic.
The irrational fears surrounding me.
The uncontrollable emotions.
I am not the person I once was.
And now I know I am growing. I am changing.
And I know that some of my "normal" will return but at some point.
Some things I do not want to return to.
I want Star version 3.0. I have had Star 1.0 when I was young, a pharmacy technician, and the party girl.
Then Star 2.0 as the world traveler, IT person, and my life with Roger.
This new life will be different. There will be parts of me still there surely but I find myself trying to do things differently.
But that is okay with me.
On Monday, I will start school full-time.
I have been going part time for a while now except for this last semester but this will be transition from primary work life to student life.
A new normal.
New me. The beginning of Star 3.0.
Do not be scared. I am sure Star 3.0 will be just as fabulous.
Here is a before picture taken at the wedding:
The old Star...
I think it is in my eyes and smile.
Here is a now picture taken on vacation:
This is the face of the new me.
Imaginary difference or not.