Saturday, January 10, 2009

Not the old me

When I first lost Roger, I read a lot of things to figure out what this weird thing called grief was about.
I would read any book or any brochure that could really tell me what I was really in for...
I have gleaned a lot of information and through lots of counseling realized I am pretty normal and no book or brochure can fully explain my grief.
And although the grief is really not a step by step "process" and it is different for each person, I can find comfort and information through continuing to read.

In all this reading, lots of things talk about how I will never be the old me.
And at first I did not really believe it.
How could I really change.
How could I not be who I was.

But then, I started noticing how I have started to change and morph.
When I see old pictures of me, they seem so long ago. Like decades not months.
It seems to me like there is a completely different girl staring back at me in those photos.
I almost do not even recognize me.
Yes, I know I have lost a lot of weight but its more than that.
Deeper. Beyond the surface.

Then there are other changes.
Like how I can not stand certain cereals.
How I can not even think about eating oatmeal.
Certain activities are now off limits to me.
I not quite as a risk taker as I was (I hope this comes back the most).

Then there are the memory issues which I hope improve.
Not to mention the hyper-alertness in traffic.
The irrational fears surrounding me.
The uncontrollable emotions.

I am not the person I once was.
And now I know I am growing. I am changing.
And I know that some of my "normal" will return but at some point.

Some things I do not want to return to.
I want Star version 3.0. I have had Star 1.0 when I was young, a pharmacy technician, and the party girl.
Then Star 2.0 as the world traveler, IT person, and my life with Roger.
This new life will be different. There will be parts of me still there surely but I find myself trying to do things differently.
But that is okay with me.

On Monday, I will start school full-time.
I have been going part time for a while now except for this last semester but this will be transition from primary work life to student life.
A new normal.
New me. The beginning of Star 3.0.
Do not be scared. I am sure Star 3.0 will be just as fabulous.

Here is a before picture taken at the wedding:

The old Star...
I think it is in my eyes and smile.

Here is a now picture taken on vacation:

This is the face of the new me.
Imaginary difference or not.
Star 3.0


Kitty Bear said...

Congrats again on going back to school! Keep us posted on how this semester goes :)

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

There are changes, sure, how could there not be. but you are still beautiful Star 3.0 will be just fabulous I'm sure. hang in there and good luck with school.

Crash Course Widow said...

I have no idea what version of me I am anymore. Candi 1.0 (because that's the name I was stuck with for about 20 years, despite that I didn't really like it...thanks, Mom and Dad...couldn't have given a more unfitting name to a nonstripper/nonbimbo...) up through when I was 21, after Charley and I broke up the 1st time. Then there was Candice 2.0, and 2.5 when Charley and I got married. And then there was Candice 3.0 after Charley died...and I think I'm probably more at Candice 2009 right now. It's probably a version 4.0...but possibly more deserving of a fancier title. ;o)

It took until this last year--til around the 3-yr death anniversary--before it felt like there was anything if the Old Me starting to reappear. Now I'm probably 50% the Old Me (a mishmash of vers. 2.0-2.5) and 40% the New Me (much of Candice The Widow 3.0)...and 10% of something entirely different. Sometimes I don't know where the hell some of my current personality traits have come from. Apparently I'm a bit of a drama queen now (but only in things I say, not how I act), and a very honest, put-it-all-out-there person, and a lot more emotional than I ever used to be.

So by the end of all this (at whatever point you can sort-of comfortably say you're finally past the bulk of all this grief work, in 2-3-4-or-whatever years), you'll likely be on a Star 4.0. If not higher.

Some of the changes are heady. And some are NOT welcome one bit. But eventually you'll emerge a better, stronger, more empathetic, wiser person.

I look forward to watching the metamorphoses over time. ;o)

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Star 2.99 is beautiful, witty, and smart. Star 3.0 will be even better. And I can't wait to hear about Star 5.1!