Monday, January 19, 2009

Two days

Not that I am completely keeping track but for the last almost five months (and geez, it is so hard to believe it has really been that long), I have cried everyday but two.
That's nineteen weeks and four days.
Or one hundred and thirty-seven days.
Three thousand two hundred and eighty-eight hours.
One hundred ninety-seven thousand two hundred and eighty minutes.

One of the two days I have not cried was on the cruise at the beginning of this month.
The other one was a few days before that.
Otherwise, it is every day.

Some days it is just weeping.
Some days it is simple crying.
Some days it is full out throwing a fit crying.

Most of the time its the simpliest things that make me cry.
A lot of times its completely unexpected.
Usually one of the times per day is when writing these entries.

I am still very fragile.
Despite what it looks like.
I look fine and maybe even great on the outside, but my insides are still in crumbles.
A million different pieces. And it sucks.
Two days out of 137 have I kept it together for twenty-four hours.
About 0.01% of the time.
Do not place your bets on me.


Roads said...

I'm so sorry to read about your loss, and yes, I agree, 137 days is a very long time indeed.

Life changes in an instant, as you say. And honestly, it's awfully unkind to some.

Spirits up. As best you can.

Skye said...

I know exactly what you mean. We may look fine on the outside, but inside we are fragile and broken. I think that many are unaware of how someone can function when they are so torn up inside, but there are so many of out there that do it. But the thing is, we do it. We keep moving forward everyday. And that takes strength.
My husband always used to say that crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong. You are releasing your pain. Better to do that than keep it locked up inside where it would burn up your soul. I try to remember that myself when I am feeling fragile and alone.
Be gentle with yourself...