Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Magic Bullet

I really hate having these nightmares.
They are awful.
I can't figure out if I have more when I take the sleeping med or not.
Last night I did not take it.
Sometimes they feel so real.
And most of the time they are very disturbing.
They leave me awake for a while afterwards.

Last night I dreamt that I found some magic "bullet".
I am not exactly sure what it was as that part I do not remember.
But there was something to bring Roger back to life.
I was so excited. I was thrilled. I was jumping up and down.
Finally he was back.
He was alive and healthy and we could move on with our lives.
Yes, he had missed out on the last five months but that was okay.

Except he was really grumpy.
Almost pissed. Pissed at me.
Pissed at the world.
I am not sure why but he was not the normal happy-go-lucky Roger.

Suddenly I was in Miami without Roger.
I called him and begged him to come down to see his family.
He drove down but he was refusing to talk to anyone. He just sat in a chair not really paying attention to us.
It was then time to come back home and since we drove down separately I was trying to figure out the car situation.
Were we going to ride together and leave one car in Miami (because I wanted riding-in-the-car time with him)?
He refused to leave.
He was saying he did not want to be with me anymore.

My heart was just broken.
How could he not want to be with me?
I just brought him back.
We were married. We were in love.
I kept probing him. What the hell was going on?
He said he was having an affair with my cousin Rachel.
He did not love me anymore.
In real life, Roger and Rachel only met once and she lives 600 miles away and definitely not in Miami.
I was devastated.

How could he come back and not be with me?
And more importantly, why am I still dreaming this kind of crap?
I woke up with my heart aching and I really had to re-convince myself that he is not coming back EVER.
There was no way to bring him back.
There is no magic bullet.
Nor will there ever be a magic bullet.
Not for this. Not for the pain I feel.

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