Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I did something else too!

Part of me is really upset that I was only married for six months. A really big part actually.
I almost felt like a failure at first when Roger died since when looking at my family there is a ton of divorce and multiple marriages. I almost grouped myself with them.

It is the most frustrating thing since I sincerely believe we were very prepared, we were a good match, and we had realistic expectations. We did things the right way.
We were in it for the long haul. We were not going to be in a bad marriage and if it turned sour at any point we would seek help. Divorce was not an option for us.

Then I have many family members and friends who did not get prepared, were not good matches, or had very unrealistic expectations. And that frustrates me more.
They still have their husbands or wives. Or if they don't stay married, they jumped out of marriages at the first sign of trouble instead of working through their problems.
That frustrates me even a little more.
Marriage means nothing to them. They treat their other halves horribly. They nag them and talk bad about them behind their backs.
It always makes me want to cry. Even before Roger died.

I have always tried to treat Roger the way I wanted to be treated. I tried to think how every decision I would make would affect him.
I once heard this saying and I really took to heart, "It is easy to be with in love with anyone when things are going good, but you know you are with the right person when you want to be with someone when things are hard with them."

Many people may or will say "You only had six months married. You do not know how hard marriage really is." We were together three years in the end. However, Roger and I did go through some tough stuff before we married. Just one example, we had to learn to deal with money and such when we were juggling two houses, two mortgages, and everything else dealing with selling a house in a plummeting market.
And wedding planning was not a picnic either but I am glad to go through those things with Roger.
Yes we fought. But we also learned how to resolve conflict efficiently.

But I have to look at some positive perceptive.
Of all those people who fail at their marriages, I made it.
I kept my vows. Even for a short time.
"Till death do you part" and I did it.
Maybe it was only six months.
But I did do it.


Anonymous said...

Simply beautiful my dear. And yes, you DID succeed.

Kitty Bear said...

You definitely did it! And anyone who says differently, or thinks you don't know about hardship in marriage, should walk a mile in your shoes now.

Crash Course Widow said...

I'm right there with you, Star. Felt the exact same way...and I'm sure I still DO feel the same way--I just haven't thought about it in a while.

You're right. I felt like such a failure because I was now a single mother, like I screwed up somehow and am now (oops...was?) the trashy, pathetic, loser woman who can't/couldn't keep her man in the picture. I know it's not the truth, but gosh, it sure felt that way, like it was somehow my fault that I'd become a single-parent/failed-marriage statistic.

And it's really hard--almost more maddening now, as it gets farther out from the death--that people don't give me credit for what I know. Just like you said...."Oh, come on, what can you know about how marriage REALLY works? You never even got out of the honeymoon phase!"

Kills me and makes me furious to hear it, because I've learned far more about how hard a marriage really is when someone's not carrying their pledged weight (kinda hard to, when you're dead in a box) and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, than any of these people who've been married for 5, 10, 15 years ever can. And I know what's TRULY important in a marriage, courtesy of this shit widowed experience...regardless of whether I was married for 19 months or 19 years. I know what heartache, and stress, and unequal roles are.

Oops. You caught me at a susceptible moment, I think. Didn't know I was going to rant. =)

But you're right, Star: We did have it. And you and I know it, even if no one else besides other widow(er)s get it.