Monday, July 27, 2009

"Almost a Year Ago"

As I have been studying for finals, I have had a few classmates over to study.
Some of these classmates did not know my story at first.
On purpose, I did not tell them.
I told some of them way after they got to know me.
And it was really after trying to explain why I knew something about how hospitals work.
It was inevitable detail to the explanation.
Some of them still had no idea.
I did not want it to define me.

Last night, one person who knew and one who did not were sitting at my dining room table.
We were studying and chatting.
And as I was telling a story to the one who knew and assuming both did know, the other said, "Wait, what husband?"
Fuck.
"My husband died almost a year ago."

What?!?
"Almost a year ago" rang in my ears.
The words just resonating.
The words send my stomach sinking.
My head was trying to wrap my mind around the words.
Whoa.

It was the first time I had uttered those words.
"Almost a year"!!!
Tomorrow it will be eleven months and then after that it will truly be "almost a year."
Fuck.
How did this happen?
How did I get so close to the year mark.
I do not want it to be a year ago.
Or even almost a year ago.
And definitely not more than a year ago.
It is not possible.
It is not possible that it has been that long since I talked to him.
That long since we held hands ("we" as in Roger was an active participant).
That long since we kissed.
That long since we told each other we loved each other.
That long since I left him in the OR.
That long since his ashes came to rest at home.

The best analogy I can think of to the way I am feeling right now is holding back a door that has an intruder on the other side.
Sitting right in front of it pushing my weight against the door.
I can try my hardest to keep him out.
But I know it is only a matter of time.
He is bigger than me.
He is stronger than me.
He will push the door down.
I am only delaying it.
He is banging on the door.
Screaming for me to let him in.
And I am getting weaker.
I cannot fight much more.
I cannot deny it much longer.
It will happen.
August will come in.

His birthday is eleven days away.
Less than two weeks.
The burial of his ashes and the anniversary of the accident fifteen days after that.
My eighteen month wedding the following day.
And then his actual death anniversary five days after that.
Sigh...
Ugh...

Oh, please help me get through this.
I so want to survive once again.

4 comments:

Funny Girl said...

Quote Of The Day:

"Sometimes things happen to you and they may seem horrible, painful and unfair. But in reflection, you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you will never have realized your potential, strength, will power or heart."

I know sometimes it may seem like a dark, scary, and lonely road...but you are NOT alone!! There are many that understand you (nevermind those that don't)...know that you're in the prayers of many! :o)

AndreaRenee said...

I've had a similar kind of month... I'm thinking of you and sending you love and hugs.

Holly and Scott said...

I'm here for you as always, but you already know that :-)

Crash Course Widow said...

You'll survive it, Star. You can, and you will. (It's not like we really have any choice in the matter, after all.)

The 1-yr mark is a weird, awful monster. I dreaded it so damned much, was so afraid of it...but once I hit and passed it, it's not like anything changed. It's not like my memories suddenly got erased, the grief went away, or life suddenly went back to normal. But I do remember that it made me ill that it had been a year already for all those things you mentioned--the smiles, the kisses, the hand-holding.

Hang in there, sweetie. Nope, there's not anything you can do to stop it, but I can promise you a bazillion other widows have survived it too; it hasn't broken any of us yet. The good news is that the 1-yr mark is nowhere NEAR as bad as it was exactly 1 year prior...and there's always some relief in that. No matter what you've been through so far, the 1-yr anniversary isn't going to be as bad. Fall apart all you want, be as happy as you want, cry as much as you want, run as much as you want. But at the same time, you'll never get that 1-yr mark back to do over, not in the same way. So listen to yourself and whatever you need, and above all...keep being gentle with yourself.

Lots of love! ~Candice