Thursday, July 9, 2009

This is Suppose to Feel Good

About a month ago, I was complaining about all the estate stuff.
How I was sick of it.
How I wished it would just go away.
How I wished it would just leave me alone.
Well, it did.
I got my wish.
Today I received the final bill for the probate lawyer and their nice-to-work-with-you letter.

So I should be happy.
I should be jumping for joy.
I should be glad to end that part of this process.
The legal part.
The business end of death.
But... guess what...
I just love the way grief works its "magic".
I am not that happy about it.
I feel a little bummed actually.
Not because I will not get the joy of writing those checks each month.
Not because I want probate to go on forever.

I guess it is just that its over.
Another official closing.
Another reminder that yes this really happened.
Yes, Roger actually died.
He actually is not here.
He is not coming back.
He is gone.

It is a hard pill for me to swallow.
It was almost like a break up letter to me from the probate lawyer.
"This letter ceases our representation of the estate."

So today, I just wanted to go back to bed.
Crawl up and just pull up the covers over my head.
To tell the world to go away.
Let me just lay in my pity.

I just cannot believe it is over.
It is all over.
I have to remind myself of this over and over again.
It is all over.


Crash Course Widow said...

It's hard to escape those reminders that more time than you'd like has passed since the death. As long as "death stuff" is still happening, still needing attention, then the death can't be all *that* long ago...right? So when they end, it's yet another reminder. I totally get it.

It takes a while to get some equilibrium back once all the big death stuff--like the estate, getting rid of their stuff, rolling over retirement accounts...other things on the Dead Spouse Checklist--gets done. I remember feeling some gratefulness and relief that, even if Charley was dead and wasn't here, having to deal with tasks related to his death at least meant he was here in some small, oblique way, that he'd existed at all and that I was still his wife. And yes--it's strange...mixed emotions...when they go away.

Hang in there! Hugs!

Split-Second Single Father said...

Due to some issues with her former employer, my wife's estate was not closed until it had been almost two years. But I still felt much the way you described.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I feel similar about the receiving the life insurance from his employment plan and the mortgage insurance payment I just received. It's helpful to have that settled but I wish I didn't have it - I wish I had Elias.

I'm sure I still have a way to go before the rest is done, but I'll likely feel the same.


Roads said...

You put this so well. So eloquent, so painful.