Friday, July 31, 2009

P is for Paranoia

Paranoia is part of the widow condition.
If widowhood was a disease, it would be listed as one of the symptoms.
I can see the infomercial now.
"Do you have lack of appetite, insomnia, loneliness, depression, and paranoia?..."

My paranoia has definitely lessened in the last eleven months.
I can sleep if I forget to set the house alarm.
I do not think everyone is out to get me (as much).
I do not everything is going to die all the time (as much).

But... this morning, I felt some paranoia coming on.
I am trying to fight it.
I am trying to remind myself that most things are going to be fine.
I am going to be fine.
Everything is going to be fine.
Relax, Star. Relax.

This morning Mr. X went on to a family reunion out of town.
The first bout of paranoia came this morning as I took him to the airport to drop him off.
Same damn road. Different direction. Different airport.
But still. Driving in a car going to the airport.
With a guy I care about.
The road does not have barriers in all sections of the road.
So people can still cross the median going 65mph.
But I was driving. Not him.
This is not the same situation I kept reminding myself.
The chances are slim.
I have driven on this road many times when nothing happened.
And of course, nothing happened this morning unusual.

The second bout of paranoia is just the whole flying thing.
On a plane.
Yes planes do not crash very often.
Planes are much safer than cars.
I am sure everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
I will be fine.

Then there is just general paranoia about him being safe.
From cars.
From freak accidents.
From bugs.
From weird things.
And there would be no way for me to help him. [Yes, I am a bit of a control freak.]
Would someone remember to call me?

And this is the less paranoia than before.
This is my paranoia waning.

I know it will continue to wane.
And I know there is nothing I can do if something happens to him.
But I cannot help but be slightly scared.
Scared that I like him a lot and I do not want anything to happen to him.
Scared I will lose him like I did Roger.
From a freak moment.

Please please please do not let him die.
Please please let my paranoia continue to fade.

1 comment:

Roads said...

Vulnerability. It comes with a heightened sense of all that's precious.

You appreciate so much more about all that is important.

And you can use that -- you really can.