Monday, July 13, 2009

The Anniversary

As my blogger friend Candice jumps past her four year anniversary hurdle, I am facing my first.
And as I have noted, I am nervous.
And because I am nervous, I have not made any plans.
I am so scared to.
How will I feel?
Will I even feel anything at all?
Will I be numb?
Will it be just another day?

I know I should plan at least something.
I know this is how I have survived other big holidays/anniversaries.
But at this moment, if I had to plan something tonight, I would say I just wanted to crawl up into bed that day.
Stay under the covers.
Wait it out.
Get in a bunker.
Maybe just have all my friends come to my bed.

And I already know that I will not be able to do that.
I have two classes that morning.
I will have to get up at least and at least pretend to be here.
Pretend to be functional.

But after that?
After I finish my class at 11am that day?
What then?
What about the rest of that day?
And because it is on a Friday, what about that weekend?
Do I do my normal monthly 28th routine of a massage?
Do I do something different?
Will people remember?
Will they even care?
Will they think if I do want to do something that I am dragging this out?
Or will they just be too busy?
Or think that I should just get over it by now?
And parts of me can hear some of them say "Geez, it has been a year."

I hate asking for help.
So I will not on that day either.
At this moment, I want the day to be low key.
I want people to remember but I also do not want pity.
I want my true friends here with me.
To get me over the hump.
I want those people who truly care here.
But that is about all I can plan for now.

God only knows how the grief monster will play out that day.
How hard he will play.
How much he will play.



Mars Girl said...

The first one is the hardest... But they all still grip me, even though my grief is not as intense. You will just have to treat yourself nicely. Do something you don't normally do. But let yourself cry somewhere too.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

I am facing my first next month. I am dreading every minute and making plans to stay busy. I am sure the tears will hit anyway.

Prayers for you,

Roads said...

For what it's worth, I always found the anticipation to be worse, far worse, than the day itself.

By the time the day arrived, I was wrung out and helpless. But at least it went by quickly, and that got the ruddy thing over with.

The next one is easier, because you learn what to expect. Not that there's much to look forward to, except getting the ruddy thing over with.

And you can get good at that, in time.

Thug Misses said...

Well, one thing that my cousin does is she always has a shindig. We celebrate his life that day. We go to his gravesite, hang out for a while, go back to her house, BBQ, hangout, laugh and watch the slide show that was played at his funeral. His 2 years is coming up in Aug. and we are doing it all again on that day. Its a good way to keep his memory alive. Who cares what ppl think. If it makes you feel better, than do IT!