And as I have noted, I am nervous.
And because I am nervous, I have not made any plans.
I am so scared to.
How will I feel?
Will I even feel anything at all?
Will I be numb?
Will it be just another day?
I know I should plan at least something.
I know this is how I have survived other big holidays/anniversaries.
But at this moment, if I had to plan something tonight, I would say I just wanted to crawl up into bed that day.
Stay under the covers.
Wait it out.
Get in a bunker.
Maybe just have all my friends come to my bed.
And I already know that I will not be able to do that.
I have two classes that morning.
I will have to get up at least and at least pretend to be here.
Pretend to be functional.
But after that?
After I finish my class at 11am that day?
What about the rest of that day?
And because it is on a Friday, what about that weekend?
Do I do my normal monthly 28th routine of a massage?
Do I do something different?
Will people remember?
Will they even care?
Will they think if I do want to do something that I am dragging this out?
Or will they just be too busy?
Or think that I should just get over it by now?
And parts of me can hear some of them say "Geez, it has been a year."
I hate asking for help.
So I will not on that day either.
At this moment, I want the day to be low key.
I want people to remember but I also do not want pity.
I want my true friends here with me.
To get me over the hump.
I want those people who truly care here.
But that is about all I can plan for now.
God only knows how the grief monster will play out that day.
How hard he will play.
How much he will play.