Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Oh Baby

Well, I cannot believe I am admitting this in an online forum.
Or any pubic place.
I cannot believe I even have these feelings.
I cannot believe these thoughts and words are coming out of my head and out of my mouth.
What is wrong with me?
Me. The me I thought I knew so well.

But here it is.
Here is something so crazy that I know my friends who know me in real life are going to fall out of their chairs.
Their mouths are going to drop open.
I think, that maybe, just maybe, someday I would like to have a child.
Yes, that is what I just said.
A real little living breathing child.

Now, this is a shock to me too.
And I am not making any promises that this is for sure.
Or that I will not change my mind again.
Because I just might.
Who knows.
And do not push me, because that will definitely make me run back the other way.

At first these thoughts started to freak me out.
Really freak me out.
Why now?
Why this change?
I just wrote about how I did not want any a little more than a month ago.

And then I thought, "Why didn't I have these thoughts with Roger?"
Was there something wrong with me then?
Was there something wrong with us?
And that really bothered me.
I know for sure Roger would have been a good father.
He would have loved being a dad.
But collectively we had decided it was not in our cards.
At least not for a while.
And quite possibly not ever.

And in the last few weeks, the idea has become more appealing.
I kept asking myself.
Because of Mr. X?
I barely know Mr. X.
Is it something hormonal?
Pheromones perhaps?

But then tonight, I was having coffee with my friend Courtney.
She actually shares the same birthday with Roger.
They both were really into philosophy and debating things.
And sometimes when she is explaining or talking to me about something to me, I can totally hear Roger.
We share similar family backgrounds too.

I was telling her my mental inside my head drama/dilemma.
How could I feel this way?
How could I be changing so much?
But then she shed some new light.
Some new perspectives.
She said despite Mr. X and despite the whole widow thing, I am different.
I am not the same person I was a year ago (this I knew already).
A year ago, I had a job.
I had a different career path.
I had a different life plan.
I was married.
I was planning my life with Roger.
But that is all gone now.
I am in school full time.
I am looking at becoming a biology teacher.
I am learning new things.
I am changing.
I could have gone a million different directions after Roger died.
But I went in a positive one.
And I will not make the same decisions I made a year ago because I am not the same person.
I am not the same person I was a month ago.

So, this change may have nothing to do with Roger.
Nothing to do with Mr. X.
It may be something to do with me.
It is probably all me.
I cannot feel guilty for changing my mind.
I have new information.
And that is what life is all about.
Constant reevaluation. Constant growth.
If I am not growing, then I am stagnant.
And that would be boring.

So, I should appreciate this new growth.
This new change.
I should just let it be.

Thank you, Courtney, for being an outside perspective and listening to me. I love you!
And Mom, don't get your hopes up just yet.


Holly said...

Count me as one of the people falling out of a chair! LOL. But I am all for my friends having (or not having) kids - I just want them to get what they want, whichever it is that they want!

And I agree that Courtney is pretty darn fabulous! :-)

Jody said...

I'm actually not that shocked. :) I've been listening to the way you've been talking about having kids recently as compared to when I first met you, and yes, I've noticed a difference. You've gone from "Kids aren't really my thing" to a more "If I have a child" kind of discourse... interesting though and yes it's been a whirlwind year of changes for you definitely.

And though I know this post doesn't mean you're going to be having a child anytime soon but you're just more open to the possibility, let me put my opinion out there: that you would be an excellent mom. Maybe not the most traditional June Cleaver type mom in the world... but I'm kind of partial to a little bit of eccentric, creative and fun child raising myself. ;)

Crash Course Widow said...

Don't forget, kiddo, that you're only...what? 28?? You've been through a lifetime of horrors in the last 11 months--and yes, you're absolutely not the same person you were a year ago (although believe me, that person's still in there somewhere). But you were so incredibly young when you got married, when Roger died, that the "coincidence" that you're *maybe* starting to change your mind about kids may also just be age. (This coming from the ripe ol' almost-32-year-old. ;o)) And I think absolutely that difference life circumstances, metamorphoses, and the partners in our lives can make a HUGE difference. Like right now, I could be okay not having another child ever, even with Mr. Wonderful. But 2 years ago, that thought would have been Un. Thinkable. But I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, nor from 4 years ago before all this happened. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I might, in the end, wind up choosing to have an only child. Yet here I am. (Then again, it's all theoretical at this point. Get me a strong, funny, smart, devoted Hunk of Burning Love and we'll see how fast *I* change my mind again. ;o))

Whatever you decide, whenever you decide...I support your decisions all the way. Hugs, baby! =)

clstar said...

I'm glad you enjoyed listening to my rambling, er, perspective. :) Like we talked about last night, you can't just stop living life. So if this is what you might want right now, there's no need to feel anything but excited about the possibilities.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Yeah, I am a completely different person than before Gavin died.

You might even change a couple more times in your life, ya know.

Good for you to be able to listen when you hear something that doesn't make any sense. That small voice speaks real quiet sometimes but it knows stuff.



Joanne said...

There should be a like button on here, too. I'm so happy that you are exploring so many new things in life, Star. You are so awesome (and so is Courtney!) :o)

Love you!!

Deborah said...

I would like to know who wrote this post and what they have done with Star... ;)

Roads said...

Life takes on a different meaning, because this experience changes you. It's absolutely not to be recommended.

But one thing it does offer, is a unique opportunity for self-reinvention.

On a whole host of different, and sometimes quite unlikely levels.

Good luck !