Wednesday, July 1, 2009

"Please Don't Die"

As I wrote about, I have been dating Mr. X.
He is an amazing guy and I am having a great time with him.
He is so giving and understanding.
It is just what I need right now.

I found myself having trouble when we depart from each other's company.
The same thing happens with my cats when I leave them for a night or two as well.
He will smile and look back at me after we have hugged and said our goodbyes.
I have to remember to smile because as he gets into his car, I find myself, in my head thankfully, saying "Please don't die."
"Please please do not get sick and die."
There is this slight fear that I may get attached to someone else and the same damn thing may happen again.

I know statistically the odds are low that I would lose another person in the same manner.
I know people are in auto accidents all the time and they are fine.
But that is not what happened to me.
Or to Roger.
And we are good normal people.
People who loved each other a lot.

It is not an overwhelming paranoia like I had before.
I can still function and enjoy his company.
I do not think about it constantly.
Only as he drives away.
Which to me, again, makes sense because that is how I lost Roger.

However, if for any reason it does happen again.
As in this is some really sad Lifetime movie that I am starring in, please just send me to a mental institution.
Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.
Just get me to a mental institution immediately because I do not think I can love and have someone die on me again for at least forty to fifty years.

But I am hoping it does not keep me from letting myself go.
Letting myself truly enjoy his time with me.
Letting myself truly fall for someone new.
Maybe even loving someone new.
So after the "Please don't die" thoughts in my head, I try to follow it up with: "He is not going to die, Star."
"This one is not going to die today."


Anonymous said...

I understand how you feel, in a way. My dad was killed in a car accident 4 years ago and I have bad paranoia when people I love drive. I remember calling my dad after I got off work that day and he didn't answer...I didn't think anything of it. However, now I know, that he was already dead.

this has manifested into something that I can't control. If I call my mom or husband, and they do not answer the first time, I call and call one after another until they answer. Sometimes, they have 9-10 missed calls from me in the apace of 5 minutes.

Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in these feelings.

Chelsea said...

Thanks so much for your blog Star - I've only just stumbled across it, but I appreciate your writing, your honesty, humour.
I am a 'new widow' myself, only just over 2 months now. And while because my husband had cancer we had an idea it was coming, it was still much sooner than anyone expected, even his doctors. In a way I can relate to your fear of losing others in car accidents, only mine is fear of losing others to cancer - even getting it myself and having my girls lose both parents.
As you say, I guess you just have to find a way to have faith and hope. Dwelling on it won't do any good.
Thanks again and I'll follow along.
Our story, and

Mars Girl said...

Star, I feel the same way. I think my fear of losing someone else to death has kept me from loving and has caused me to lose a few relationships because I just cant commit myself to the person. I think, really, that if it happened again to me, I would be completely crushed. I dont know how I would survive another blow like that. And to make matters worse, a woman in my church just recently lost her husband to cancer... and that wast he second husband she's lost to an early death... So it's statistically possible... Death's hand is random...

I think it's a perfectly normal thing to feel... Dont let it control you though. It makes letting go to love someone extremely hard.

Mel said...

I can relate...