He is an amazing guy and I am having a great time with him.
He is so giving and understanding.
It is just what I need right now.
I found myself having trouble when we depart from each other's company.
The same thing happens with my cats when I leave them for a night or two as well.
He will smile and look back at me after we have hugged and said our goodbyes.
I have to remember to smile because as he gets into his car, I find myself, in my head thankfully, saying "Please don't die."
"Please please do not get sick and die."
There is this slight fear that I may get attached to someone else and the same damn thing may happen again.
I know statistically the odds are low that I would lose another person in the same manner.
I know people are in auto accidents all the time and they are fine.
But that is not what happened to me.
Or to Roger.
And we are good normal people.
People who loved each other a lot.
It is not an overwhelming paranoia like I had before.
I can still function and enjoy his company.
I do not think about it constantly.
Only as he drives away.
Which to me, again, makes sense because that is how I lost Roger.
However, if for any reason it does happen again.
As in this is some really sad Lifetime movie that I am starring in, please just send me to a mental institution.
Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.
Just get me to a mental institution immediately because I do not think I can love and have someone die on me again for at least forty to fifty years.
But I am hoping it does not keep me from letting myself go.
Letting myself truly enjoy his time with me.
Letting myself truly fall for someone new.
Maybe even loving someone new.
So after the "Please don't die" thoughts in my head, I try to follow it up with: "He is not going to die, Star."
"This one is not going to die today."