Monday, July 6, 2009

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I have always had a habit of counting down to things.
When we were engaged, I had a countdown to the wedding.
At work, I had countdowns to vacations.
With my friends, I had countdowns to my birthday.
And honestly, there is probably always one going on in my head.
They just do not stop.

Most of the time, I enjoy these countdowns.
Just like the kid who is counting down to Christmas morning.
I love them.

Except for this time.
Except for the ones coming up so soon.
First up is Roger's birthday.
I started thinking of this today.
Yes, I have my fabulous trip planned.
But I am still very conscious of what day it is and how far away it is.
I am sure tomorrow it will be even more apparent as it will be a month away.

And then the countdown to the accident.

And then the countdown to the one year mark.

I wish I could stop these countdowns in my head.
At least I do not have my usual white board countdown on my fridge like I do for the "fun" days.

And it is not like I am not busy.
I am extremely busy.
But the thoughts just do not go away.
My mind still goes there.
With or without me.

So this is it.
The month countdown begins.
The clock is ticking loud and clear.


Katie said...

I find myself counting down for everything too--i think it's common!

Crash Course Widow said...

Ugh. I hate those countdowns too. Like you, I've always had them to some extent; I've always been a planner, and a date person...and widowhood hasn't changed that.

The countdowns to grief don't really go away--or at least they haven't for me--but they do get easier. But I remember far too well the aching dread I had about those last "firsts" leading up to the 1-yr anniversary of Charley's death...and I remember the plummet I had after it. And I remember that it lasted for years, it turns out. I hope and pray that the absolute worst of it is behind you and that the upcoming weeks, months, and years are always easier than the last 11 months have been.

So many hugs to you, Star. Hang in there....