Thursday, November 5, 2009

"Daddy's Little Boy"

Two of my good friends are having a baby.
A baby boy.
I am very happy for them.
I am very excited for them.
This is a planned child and I know they will be exceptional parents.

Because I care about both of them.
I wanted to plan a shower for the mother-to-be.
I felt like after all they had done for me in the last year, I wanted to give back.
The shower is on Sunday so I am in the last minute throws of party planning.

Today I was shopping for my actual shower gift.
I printed out the registry.
Made my way to the baby section.
Navigated through all the baby stuff to the actual gift item on the registry.
But of course I wanted to add some cute outfits for the new baby boy.

And of course, I almost had a meltdown.
A cute blue onesie.
"Daddy's Little Boy."
Tears started to form.
I started to get flustered.

I have been thinking about it all evening.
I know, I know, I know that this can still be a possibility for me.
But it will never be a possibility for Roger.
It will never be a possibility for Roger and me.

Yes, we were not really planning on having kids.
Both of us were heavily leaning toward no.
But I cannot get over his journal.
The one where he wrote about a dream he had.
And how he wrote, "I hope I am a great father someday."

Not that we had time.
We were only married six months.
Six months...

I know he would have been an amazing dad.
And he truly would have had a "Daddy's Little Boy" t-shirt or maybe even "Daddy's Little Princess."



andrea said...

Star, this brought tears to my eyes...perhaps it's having a little boy and knowing the joy he brings us daily.

Crash Course Widow said...

The "Big Sister" are the ones that really get me these days. Yeah, yeah, like you said: yes, I could still have more children, Anna could still have several siblings...yadda, yadda, yadda. But it doesn't change that MY dream, OUR dream together and everything I'd always planned and hoped for died with Charley.

I get it. I think it's a big part of our grief process, though: that we have to react to all these things that probably weren't going to happen anyway, but now there's no possible chance they will. We have to process, face, and grieve over all the secondary and tertiary and millionary losses that came with young widowhood too, now that we have a bit more headspace to deal with anything beyond the most immediate, oh-my-god-he's-DEAD reactions.

Hugs. Good luck with the shower this weekend. I'm impressed and proud of you that you're doing it for your friends; it was something that was really hard for me, and while I did it once somewhat unwillingly (and because of shock and my big mouth at only 4 weeks after Charley's death), I couldn't have done it again for so, so long. I'm still not sure if I could do it again, but I think I might be able to. I'm hoping I don't really have to find out. ;o)

Mars Girl said...

After my husband died, I wished I was pregnant. I longed to have a little Mike. I felt like just having a part of his DNA still alive would have made all the difference.

I used to want to have kids in my life with Mike. If he hadn't died, I would probably have a child by now.

Pregnant women made me mad immediately after Mike died. I couldnt get over the fact that the choice to have kids or not have kids had been ripped away from me.

I think it's generally hard watching our friends go through all the things we wished for ourselves. I know there's still time for these things too. But I wanted them all with Mike. It's not fair that I have to start over with someone else. It may be great, and it may be wonderful, but it will never be the same as Mike. It can't be, I know.