Thursday, November 12, 2009

He Cried

For the last couple of days, I have been stuck thinking about our wedding.
And one moment in particular that keeps coming back to me over and over.

Roger's father died three and half years before I met Roger.
From a car accident ironically.
Six years before our wedding.
Six and half years before Roger was murdered by a stupid driver.

From everything anyone has ever told me, Roger's dad was an amazing guy.
I wish I could have met him.
I wish I could have known him.

Roger loved his dad.
He admired him.
He talked about him often.
And he missed him.
A lot.

For Christmas before our wedding, I gave Roger cufflinks with a locket feature.
I took a picture of Roger's dad and put it inside of each.
Roger's dad may not have been able to be physically present at our wedding, but he at least would be by Roger's sides.
Roger did not react much when I gave him the cufflinks.
It seemed my gift was a dud.
I was a little disappointed in my gift giving ability.

On our wedding day, Roger wore his dad's watch.
It did not work.
But Roger wore it anyway.
He also wore my gift.
Roger asked our wedding photographer to take pictures of him wearing the watch and of the cufflinks.
So he did like the cufflinks.
He was showing them off even.

I knew Roger felt the missing part of his day.
But he did not mention it.
I could feel it.
I felt saddened Roger's father was not there.
The most important day of his life and his father was not there in a physical sense.

Then came the best man's toast.
A toast to the missing man.
Roger started to cry (as did most of the guests).
And there was nothing I could do but rub his leg.
I was trying to be the best wife I could.
Everyone raised their glass.
Roger raised his Heineken, his father's favorite drink.

He cried.
Only the second time I ever saw him cry.
Once happy.
Once sad.

This moment runs through my head a lot lately.
Almost two years later and I cry when I think of his tears.
How he cried.

1 comment:

Mars Girl said...

Those are precious moments. Though he was a very emotional guy, Mike never cried around me either but once or twice. And one of those times was also on our wedding day. My father-in-law did a speech in our wedding before our vows. And he brought up my husband's beloved grandmother who was deceased. It was really beautiful the way my father-in-law brought her up, talking about how if it had rained on our wedding day (it hadn't) it was tears of joy from my husband's grandmother. Mike teared up right then and there. I was kind of surprised. I knew he loved that grandmother--he talked about her all the time as I'd never met her. But it was still surprising. This is the same guy who told me, with a straight face and no tears, the details of the physical abuse he suffered at his mother's hand throughout his youth... So a moment in which he actually cried was kind of surprising.