I remember being shocked.
I did not even cry on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.
I felt fine.
This year... it is not so easy.
It is hard.
And it sucks.
I cannot get away from holiday stuff.
It is on sitcoms.
It is on the radio.
It is on the news.
Gift ideas.
Countdowns.
Christmas trees.
Christmas lights.
Last night I watched "Grey's Anatomy".
I love that show.
It is one of my favorites.
But it put me over the edge last night.
There was a brain dead kid.
They were using him for a heart transplant.
I lost it.
And I cried for the next hour and half.
I miss Roger so much.
I just want things to be different.
I want him to be here.
I want to set up our tree together.
I want to decorate together.
But I do not want to do it alone.
Or with others.
I want Roger!
And I get why Christmas season is when people commit suicide.
I am not suicidal.
Let me repeat, I am not suicidal.
I just get it.
I get how Christmas, happiness, gifts, family, love, blah, blah, blah, can be overwhelming.
Especially when the grief monster is around the corner.
Especially when I am constantly reminded of my loss.
I do not skip school but this morning I could not function.
I woke up.
Took a shower.
And then crawled back into bed.
My eyes are way too puffy.
I am way too emotionally drained.
I would stay in bed if I could.
But alas I cannot.
I must keep going.
And wait for these holidays to pass.
I just need to get to January and ignore that February will be around the corner.
1 comment:
Numbness is a remarkable anesthetic, isn't it? My initial shock and numbness lasted for about 3 1/2, almost 4 months...right up til the beginning of November. The first thing that really started piercing through the haze and that really, deeply hurt like hell was when I went to a "Strategies for Coping with the Holidays" thing at the local hospital, for those who are recently bereaved. And I remember the tears just started streaming down my face as a I sat and listened, had to really face and realize for the first time that I wouldn't have to be attending any of this if it hadn't really happened, if he wasn't really dead.
Subsequent holidays weren't necessarily harder than that first year of Thanksgiving and Christmas...but I wasn't numb for them the first time around either. I totally get how this year can be so much harder for you. Hang in there and do the best you can. Skip class as much as you need to, make plans you can cancel (and have backup plans just in case), and be as open and honest as you can that this year's holidays are really, really hard for you. Spend them with people who understand and with whom you don't have to pretend and fake it when you're dying inside.
This too shall pass. Fortunately and unfortunately, this really awful part is only 6-7 weeks long. Which is a helluva long time to have to grit your teeth and suffer through it, but at least it does get (relatively speaking) better in the beginning of January.
Hugs and lots of love, my friend. xoxo
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