Wednesday, November 18, 2009

More Holiday Stuff

I am about 80% sure what I want to do for Christmas.
At least for today.
I am like a pendulum swinging on this one thing.
I am still seriously debating finding a quarter to flip to completely make the decision.
Two out of three should be sufficient I think.
But I am also afraid of what will happen if I go against the coins.
Like they will be angry if I go against what they "determine".
The pro/con list method is not working either.
I am too afraid I will make the decision and I will need something different the actual day.
And both of these options are not something I can change my mind about easily.

The thing that pisses me off is that these decisions were already made.
We had a plan.
We had a fucking plan.
We discussed our holiday plans in our pre-marital counseling.
It was part of the program to discuss before our marriage.
Thanksgiving would be at our house (which we only had two together, one in the old house and one in this house).
We would invite both our families and friends.
I could use my new roasting pan.
For now/then, we would do Christmas in Miami.
We would make a trip to Virginia to visit my family when we could.
Roger was a bit afraid he may freeze if we went in December.
Which he did freeze in May during our trip.
New Years Eve would be up in the air.
Probably in Orlando.
We would find a friend's party to attend.
Everything was set.
It was a good plan.
Our plan.

I hate that these plans are in shreds.
I do not want to remake these decisions.
I hate that I have to remake these decisions.

Last year, I hid from my holiday life with Roger.
Thanksgiving was spent with my friend Cecilia.
Christmas with my friend Elizabeth and her family.
Things I had done before Roger existed in my life.
Familiar things but no memories associated with Roger.
I could pretend Roger was just missing for whatever reason.
I could pretend he was not dead.
He was just on a separate visit to his family or friends.
Man, I wish.

This year I am going to slightly acknowledge the holidays.
But only slightly.
Warm back up to the holiday thing.

At least I have a "solid" plan for Thanksgiving.
I am going to Miami for Thanksgiving to spend the weekend with Roger's family.
I am slightly excited to see them.
But I am nervous.
Celebrating without him.
This Thanksgiving will be similar yet different than our plan.

But then... then there is Christmas.
Already not my favorite holiday before all this.
Already a stressful month for me.
I am having trouble figuring out what I want.
Where do I want to be?
And I have options.
I have lots of people presenting options to me.
But I am debating between two.
I just have no idea what will be best for me.
What will I want on the actual day?

Right now, I would prefer to just close all the blinds.
Lock all the doors.
And stay in bed.
No shower.
No makeup.
I do not want to do Christmas really.

But I made promises.
First, I promised my mom I would acknowledge the day.
So I pulled down the Christmas decor from the attic.
Now the crap is mocking me from the garage.
Ours. Mine. And his.
His stocking.
His manger scene.
His ornaments.
I need to sort through it.
Something I skipped last year.
But I will put some of it up.

Last year, I refused to decorate.
I had two ornaments hung to a bulletin board.
A friend of mine had given them to me during Christmas last year.
They were the only things to indicate that Christmas was in the air.

The second promise I made to my mother is that I will not wake up alone in my house.
Or alone in any house.
This is the harder promise for me.
If left up to my own devices, being alone would be the option I would choose.
But I won't.
I made a promise.
I just cannot go to Miami.
It is too close to the old way.
The way things are suppose to be.
Not this year.
Not yet.

I hate Hate HATE having to remake these decisions.
They were made.
Our plan was made.
And here I am making it alone.

Where is that quarter?


Anonymous said...

This is my first holiday season without Elias. SO not looking forward to it - I get what you are saying completely.

I told a friend the other day that I just wanted to go to bed on December 21st and wake up on January 3rd.

If I didn't have the girls that's probably what I would do - but I feel like I should still do something for their sake.

I hope you can find something that works for you,


jessica said...

I am not where you are at, emotionally, but I do remember being in this frame of mind just last year. I joined a widows/widowers group in 2008, and had opportunities to talk with others about THEIR feelings. One asked if I still had dreams -- and at first, I thought she meant the kind you had when you fell asleep. But she explained further, and I had to admit that I did NOT have any dreams, any plans. We -- WE had had plans -- before his death. And that was gone now. I know that you find this hard to believe, but you will move on from this place, these feelings, and it might take a long time. Hugs to you, in your memories and struggles. You have many "sisters" on the 'net, and I found your blog listed on Janine's blog, One Day at a Time.