Monday, November 9, 2009

Run Run Run Away

In counseling, I discovered mindfulness.
A concept Roger had tried to teach me for the entire three years we were together.
I practiced it in the car.
While falling asleep.
In the shower.
And mostly, while running.

When I was running, I would notice the wind.
Describe the wind to myself.
I would notice all the noises.
The dogs barking, the cars driving by, the A/C turning on, the children playing, and some garage door opening.
I would try to describe each particular sound as scientifically as possible.
I would try to notice each and every sound.

When I was running, I would try to feel.
Feel my feet hitting the ground, the wind on my face, my heart rate, the temperature.
I would describe each feeling to myself.

It was a way to calm me.
A way to focus.
A way to de-stress.
An added benefit was exercise.
And weight-loss.

Then in July, I came crashing down.
I fell down a set of steps.
I sprained my ankle.
Severely sprained.

I could not run.
During one of the (many) hardest months, August, I did not have my running.
My one sure way to de-stress.

Four months later, I am in a cast.
For at least a month, maybe three.
It seems my ankle was healing incorrectly.
The pain and swelling I continued to have was not normal like I wanted to believe.
And with the encouragement of my friends and family (READ: forced), I was finally treated right before Halloween.

Again, I am having another really tough time as the holidays approach.
And I cannot de-stress in the way I enjoy.
I have gained five pounds since July as well.
A bit of depression has settled in around me.

I just want to run.
I want to run away from all of this.
And I can't.
I am stuck.
Waiting to heal.
Waiting to heal.

2 comments:

Crash Course Widow said...

I hate when our successful means of "coping" are taking away from us. It's so hard to find one thing that works to help us feel better, let alone having to find alternate means once that one way is removed (thankfully only temporarily in your case).

Did your doctor give you any suggestions for any exercise you can do? Who knows--maybe instead of exercise and mindfulness, it's not a bad idea to go back to regular counseling for the next month or two, to help you get through til after Jan. 1. While I've never regularly attended counseling, I simply make appointments whenever I need to, whenever there are things going on that are just a bit more (or hell, a LOT more) than I can handle on my own. And I still do it, even this far out, at 4+ years. I don't go that often anymore--maybe 4 times a year, at most--but I've always found having a safe place to go and say whatever I need, cry if needed without having to protect someone else's helplessness, has been a godsend. You don't have to put on a happy face there...and while it won't necessarily help with the weight part, it might help some with the emotional capacity part. Who knows?

So sorry you're having to deal with this too, on top of everything else. Hope it heals fast and properly, and that it's only one month with the cast and not three.

Hugs, as always, my friend. Hang in there....

Funny Girl said...

Hello My Love.... :o)
I'm there for you babe!!! I know holidays can be difficult. I know I'm not going through what you're going through but adjusting to the real world (non disney life) has been insanely difficult for me right now. Let's be there for each other to encourage one another and lift each other's spirit...seeing as we both could use it now! Keep your chin up...you've done great this past summer...I couldn't be more proud of you!!! :o)