Tuesday, June 23, 2009

"Probably Not"

Okay, okay... Yes, I am on match.com.
Yet again.
I am trying to date.
It is somewhat fun.
Somewhat different.

My first "issue" with the website was the marital status question.
I wanted to use "single" but they do not have that option.
The website's only option for singledom is "never married."
Well, that does not fit me.
So I had to use my least favorite word - "Widow."
I do not want to lie to people but I also do not want people to jump to preconceived notions of a widow.
I do not want pity.
I want someone to get to know me. Star. Not Star-the-widow.
But... it was my only option.
So Star-the-widow I am.

Then there is another question.
The question about kids.
Do I want them or not?
Hmm, well... there was an option that fit me perfectly in this area - "Probably not."
Yep, I probably do not want them.

Of course, all of this questions are laced with thoughts of Roger.
And it made me think.
I am twenty-eight.
Yes, not old.
Not old by any means.
But I do not want to have kids after thirty-five.
And I am single.
Even if I met Mr. Next Husband tomorrow, it would be at least two years or so before I was married again. Maybe even more.
Two years is the minimum.
And then I would want to be married for a while before having kids.
So that only gives me about two years or so before my "deadline."
Hmm.. so probably not.

But if I was with Roger, the "probably not" may be different.
We had completely put the question on the back burner much to the dislike of our families and the priest who married us.
At the time, we did not want them.
We said we would look at the decision at about the five year wedding anniversary mark.
Then right after or right before Roger's birthday last year, I cannot remember which, I wanted to discuss making the "final" decision when I turned 30.
I never got to tell him.
Not that I wanted kids.
But I wanted to re-look at the decision.
Make the final call in two years versus five.

The weird thing is I never even really thought about it right after the accident.
At least I do not remember thinking that thought.
I thought about a lot of other things.
But not about us having kids.

But then... after he died.
I thought about it.
After I found the journal from a few years ago, he wrote about a dream he had where he had a kid. He talked about what it would be like to have kids.
It seemed at least when he wrote it he sort of wanted them.
So did he not want kids because I did not want them?
What would it have been like to have his child?
To have a part of him.
Even if he still died, to have some part of him still here.

And then... I did not even think of it at the time and I only found out maybe a month ago, I could have collected some of his sperm.
I could have still had the opportunity.
The choice.
Maybe not now.
But maybe in two years.
Maybe in five years.
Maybe never.
But to have the choice.
I wish I would have thought of it.
I wish I would have known.
I like choices.

But for now, my choice is still "probably not."
I cannot imagine it.
Not without him.
Not without his sperm.

Someone else will need to win that part of me over again.
Make me consider it again.
At least consider saying "yes" or "maybe."
Otherwise, it is "probably not."

I love when my friends are pregnant.
Just because I know they want it and I love hearing their good news.
I also love children and babies when they belong to someone else.


Sean said...


Crash Course Widow said...

Love that you felt the need to put that disclaimer on the post. ;o)

I don't remember when it finally occurred to my sis Cindi and I that we should have thought to see about collecting any of Charley's sperm. It was pretty fast--sometime within the first week or so, maybe even before the funeral 4 days after he died, but I don't remember when exactly--but it was still too late, since Charley was already at the morgue, dead for 2 hours and probably already in the fridge, before I even knew he was dead. I very much wanted a second kid already when he died--it wasn't our (or make that *Charley's*, and thus mine by a lesser, not-totally-enthused degree) preplanned time to have kid #2 yet--and I was devastated and obsessed that we'd never thought to collect anything for the hope of another future little Charley (or little Candice-from-Charley).

And I totally get the "probably not" thinking. I ALWAYS wanted to have kids, and one of the few things I swore I'd never do or want is an only child. Yet...here I am. With an only child--completely not by choice. Two years ago I would have said I definitely wanted to have another child if/when I got remarried. But now? I have the same exact lines of thinking as you did...over timing, age, etc., etc...plus the added angle that whoever I'd be marrying could very well have his own kids. Do I want to do the his-her-ours? kind of deal? Dunno. So while I'm not at a point where I could put "probably not" on a match.com question, it'd definitely an "I don't know" or "possibly."

So believe me...I get it. You ain't crazy or alone in your thoughts. ;o)


Mel said...

What a great, honest post.

I have made the same calculations many times.

Since I am now 35, my new "deadline" is 40.

Because everything has to adjust...

Good luck on match.com - that's how I met Greg!

Just be sure to be patient. You've got to go out with a lot of frogs... (but you don't have to kiss them - ew!)