Today I went to pick up the EMT report from the paramedics who worked on Roger at the car crash scene.
I had a lot of questions. Was he alive when I touched him? Did he have a pulse? Was he breathing? These are all questions I did ask at the scene, but no one would answer.
I hated that. I hate hate hate that!
And since that morning, I have been going over and over these questions in my head.
My therapist says it is part of my post traumatic stress syndrome.
Although, that curiosity was probably there before all this.
For me it is about having a complete memory of what happened that day.
Since that is impossible, I knew the EMT report would have a lot of puzzle pieces I did not know and I wanted to fit in since there were always be the gaps from my point of view.
And thankfully, the report did give me comfort.
His heart was beating.
His nice strong heart was beating!
I just wanted to scream this from the rooftops today.
Several other questions were answered as well in the report.
And I also got the name of the woman who worked on me aka Trauma Red.
Which I did not realize my injuries were actually that serious until now.
As in this very moment when I just googled "trauma red".
I know in my heart now that at least Roger was somewhat there.
I just wish I could have been there to hold his hand as they worked on him.
Impossible I know, but I just wish.
Of course, I wish a lot of things.