Sunday, January 11, 2009

Hey Jealousy

One of the five million things I loved about Roger was he was not the jealous type.
I think it was one of my favorite things about him. At least my favorite for the next few minutes while I write this entry.
It was just so relieving to meet a guy that did not turn green with envy.
This worked well for us since I am a bit of a flirty person and I have a lot of guy friends.
And of those guy friends, I have dated a few of them. I have an uncanny ability to remain friends with them.
Roger had no issues. Roger would even meet those guys and hang out with them.
It was great. It was so ideal for me. I felt so relaxed.

I think a lot of it comes from Roger's great self esteem level.
He had such great high self confidence.
I would say "I love you dear"
And Roger would say "I know because I'm charming, suave, and devenaire."
Or "You look good in that shirt"
"Yeah, I know."
But of course it would be followed by a smirky smile.
No self confidence issues with him which I reminded him daily.

I know this was not always true for Roger. This was a journey for him.
He had a hard time in high school being the super skinny kid, slightly dorky, and he was not the perfect student.
After Roger's death, I found a journal of Roger's from 2001. During this time, his confidence was starting to build.
He was working out and gaining weight. He was driving a cool blue Jeep.
He was getting attention from some girls and he was finally finding himself.
His self confidence was going through the roof.
In an entry dated May 11, 2001, " I can honestly say I love myself. I don't think its the 20 extra pounds. Just full acceptance."

Then four years later he met me.
I never would have imagined Roger as the low self esteem type from the entire time I knew him.
Of course he had moments like most people, but for the most part he would strud his way into any room.
I adored that energy.

I remember when I decided that I would propose to Roger. I was a bit nervous that he would feel less manly about it.
I talked with Roger's sister, Grace, to make sure she thought Roger would be okay with that.
And Grace replied "Oh my, he is going to have such a big head."
Looking back at Roger's history with self esteem and just my fear of commitment, it was just perfect for me to propose.
And his ego was incredibly stroked that day.
He was such a giddy guy on that Halloween evening.

I think this is one of the qualities I want in Mr. Star's-Very-Confident-Next-Husband.
There is just no room in my life for jealousy.
No green with envy for me.
And I think with a widow, that is exactly what I will need.


Kitty Bear said...

That's great that Roger had no issues with your guy friends..and it's nice when you have someone like that.

I keep in touch with a few friends from martial arts, and FI's very understanding about that. Makes me feel relieved, really! Neither of us worry about it because we both know we belong together anyway :)

That's really neat you found Roger's journal! :) It's another way you can hang on to him, if you choose to :)

Holly said...

Now I have that song stuck in my head...