Sunday, January 11, 2009

Normalcy Step #2

Or I am truly becoming a masochist.
I went to church tonight. Alone.
Going to church more is part of my new years resolution since I tend to find peace there.
Or so I thought.
Or at least I used to.

I have only been there three times without Roger. His funeral. All Souls Day.
And today was the first day alone.
Yes, I realize I could ask someone to come with me but I do not want keep asking for favors.
I hate asking for favors.

It is just so hard being there.
Walking down the same aisle as my wedding eleven months ago.
Walking down the same aisle as the funeral four and half months ago.
Walking down the same aisle as the All Souls Day two months ago.
Today I walked down alone and I had to pick a pew alone.

As I looked around, there were couples and families and friends.
And I sat alone.
I remember a few months before our wedding looking forward to being an official family at our church.
We only went a few times as husband and wife after our wedding.
I loved having our hands touching as we stood during a prayer or holding pinky fingers with each other.

Part of me wants to run from this pain.
Part of me wants to try to find a new church to attend.
But I love this church.
I love the pleasant memories of being married there.
Of attending church with Roger.

My heart aches.
The return to normalcy is very painful.
I am really not sure I am ready.


Crash Course Widow said...

I was never of faithful church-goer--I went sometimes, and I often swung through phases of apathy, disgust, and renewal toward church over the years--but being married to an atheist, who subsequently died, certainly colored my world a lot in the last 3.5 years. His death shook and shattered almost every belief I've had, and the few times I've sat at church (usually at Christmas Eve or Easter, but not always) I've had a really hard time with it. And I was even always sitting with someone (family who went, the friend who invited me to attend that day, etc.). I've found so many times that I feel terrible alone, regardless of whether there's someone technically there with me. And sometimes I've felt the most alone when I'm in a room with other people, more than I do when I actually am alone places. I guess the feeling's gotten better over the years...somewhat...or else I've just gotten so used to it that its presence doesn't really register anymore most times. That said, though, I balled through the Easter service this last year. All the focus on death and resurrection is too much, every year.

You're brave for going back there. Good luck to you, regardless of whether you continue to go or if you decide to wait longer. I have friends whose spiritual practice has been a huge comfort to them in their grief, and others--like me--to whom organized religion has largely been a (sometimes excruciating) disappointment in support of my grief. Everyone's different.

Hang in there....


Holly said...

Hey if you want someone to go with just let me know - it won't be a favor because church was on my resolution list too. Only I haven't managed to actually go since Christmas Eve (where I cried like a baby thinking about Roger, I dont think I told you about that...)

Marlyn Wilkin said...

I would be more than willing to go with you as well. Like Holly, it is on my resolution list and I have not been since Christmas Eve (where I also bawled ridiculously).