Thursday, January 15, 2009

Lost

I used to have these horrible nightmares. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
I would wake up in an extreme panic. Sometimes to the point where I would have to get out of bed to get rid of the dream from continuing.
I had them pretty much the entire time Roger and I were together.

These dreams were all similar in theme.
Most of the time it was like I was in a maze and I was suppose to be following Roger.
I was suppose to be right behind him but for one reason or another, I would fall behind.
I would lose sight of him.
I would keep trying to catch up with him but never could. I could see a glance of him here or there but never catch back up.
I would ask the other people in the dream, which way he went.

They were terrifying dreams. I would get so incredibly scared. I would feel so lost.
When I came out of the dream, I would crawl over to be in Roger's arms or touch him.
And sometimes I'd wake being pissed off that he left me in the streets of my dream.
Why did he keep leaving me!?!
Where was he going so fast?
Why didn't he wait for me?
I hate being lost.

The next morning, because I expected he should know exactly what was inside my dreams without me telling him, I would exclaim:
"How dare you leave me! Why do you keep leaving me?"
Roger would have two reactions.
Reaction #1, "I would never leave you dear."
Or.
Reaction #2, "You have issues. You should get help."
And sometimes I would get both reactions.

In my impaired grieving state of mind and soul searching for many clues or answers, I think maybe some weird part of my subconscious, the one that has no concept of time or space continuems, knew that Roger would die.
That somewhere inside my brain these dreams were trying to tell me something.
"He will not be here forever"
"You better be prepared to track through life alone, he will leave you behind."

Yep, I am officially going off the deep end.

1 comment:

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

Not going off the deep end-- grief is an elusive creature. Give yourself some space to heal.