Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Double Punch

First punch of the day:
This week has been absolutely awful as far as the weather goes.
It has been raining all day everyday since Monday.  
Which is a lot like a very eventful week last August. 
The week of the accident.

That week, Tropical Storm Fay was coming back and forth across Florida.  
I called it a baby hurricane.
Roger told me I was crazy and it was nothing like a hurricane.
"People don't die from tropical storms."
Ha, yeah right.  People sure as hell do die from tropical storms aka baby hurricanes.  
Specifically Roger.  
Specifically when combined with stupid asshole drivers and a baby hurricane.

That week I called in to work one morning after listening how the rain and wind were going to be picking up.
I heard on the radio that Tuesday morning: "Do not leave your home unless absolutely necessary."
As much as I would have loved to believe that I was absolutely necessary in order for my job to get done and the world to revolve, I knew my work was not any where truly close to be indispensable. (Which now I am positive since they have been going on quite okay without me.)
So I turned around and went home.
I took a vacation day instead.
In hindsight, I am grateful.  Yes, Roger was working from home but we were still home together. 
And my company sent everyone home at lunch.

All that week there was flooding in our neighborhood.  
Rain was falling in sheets much like now.  
Thursday night, it took me an extra forty-five minutes to get home.
I tried to complain about how hard it was to get home for me.
As Roger stood in front of me soaked, I tried to say my way home was super worse.

He had run some errands before our impending trip.  
He had to get cat food in the rain.
He had to visit the renters and the leaky house in the rain.
He had to get gas in the rain.
Fine, he had a harder time getting home.  
Yes dear, you were right.  I was wrong.

Driving in this weather always makes me a little anxious.  Especially on similar or the same roads.
I look to see if anyone is coming across the median.
If water is coming away from their tires (like I can actually see that...).
If anyone gets too close to my car.
If anyone looks like they are about to hydroplane.  
And I just cannot help think about the similarities.  

Second punch:
While driving in this rain, I needed to follow up with my doctor.
General check up on my arm, my bruises, my mental health, appetite, sleeping, etc.
As I sat in the exam room, I thought about the first visit I came there.
It was about a month from the wedding.
Roger and I made a deal before the wedding.
I would get a tetanus shot and he would get a flu shot.
I remember telling my doctor about that.
In that same room.  
Telling him about our upcoming wedding and honeymoon.  
I was so excited.
About the wedding/honeymoon.  Not the tetanus shot.
But a deal is a deal.  

My arm looks great per my doctor.  
The streak coming away from the scar is the nerves healing.
My bruises will always have those weird bumps aka scar tissue in them.
He gave me some photography equipment advice since he also has this hobby.  

Then I talked to him about my upcoming trip in December to Africa.  
And as I was reviewing the CDC recommendations with him, I read an interesting line that stung a bit like a bee.
And made me gasp.
"Car crashes are a leading cause of injury among travelers. Protect yourself from these injuries..."
Yeah, car crashes are not my best friend.  
So I may not die from malaria, hepatitis A, or typhoid but a car crash.  
Is there a vaccine against car crashes?  
Because that is the one I want.
For me and for everyone I know.  

For some reason, I always cry around my doctor.
I guess it is a sign that I feel comfortable and safe there.
He is such a caring doctor and he just lets me talk.



Rick said...

WOW!!!, my heart goes out to you!! I too lost my wife and know the pain you are suffering from. I enjoy reading your blog and the video was very special!! Thank you for sharing!!!


Split-Second Single Father said...

I was actually in that deluge on I-4 Wednesday morning. You were smart to stay home.

I'm sorry that rain conjurs up memories of the accident for you. Sometimes the unexpected reminders prove to be the hardest.

Mel said...

It's wonderful to find you!

This post resonates a lot with me. I lived my 20s making all my own decisions and found it oddly liberating to not have to make them all by myself anymore when Greg and I found each other.

Making decisions comes fairly easily for me, but I had trouble making any of them for a long time.

This is my favorite piece of your post:
I miss having that second opinion.
I miss having shared responsibility.
Or just someone to discuss things with.
Even if I did not take his advice.

Thank you for bringing up this aspect of grief, and for sharing your story.

widow since 1/07