Tuesday, May 12, 2009

"There is only one reason for those signs...

... and for that I am very sorry."

On Monday, the highway memorial marker (aka "Drive Safely" sign) that I wrote about previously was placed.
I am glad it is there.
I really am.
Despite how much it hurts to look at it, I am glad it is there.

Today I went to visit the sign.
I wanted to see it.
I wanted to touch it.
I had to see it.
I had to touch it.
I had to make sure it was real.
I needed more physical evidence that it really happened.
It all really happened.
That I am not dreaming.

I saw it very briefly Monday afternoon but I could not stop due to traffic.
So I went today after school.
Of course, I could not see it at first so I just parked the car on the side of the highway where I kind of thought I saw it yesterday.
Probably about half a mile from the actual accident scene.
A highway patrol officer saw my car and saw me walking so he pulled over to talk to me.
He asked if my car was broken down.
"Hi. No, I am just trying to find my husband's sign. They placed it yesterday."
(And I completely forgot to refer to him as "sir.")
"What sign?"
"The 'Drive Safely' sign."
"Oh. (pause) There is only one reason for those signs and for that I am very sorry."
He told me to be careful as I looked for it and drove off.

As he pulled back onto the highway, I could tell exactly where it was.
I saw his brake lights come on as he passed it.
Then I saw it.
I ran toward it. I had to get there fast.
I wanted to run my hands over his name.

And I did.
And then I just stood there.
Tears started to fall.
"Fuck you! Fuck you for leaving me. How dare you die."
Man, I miss him so much.

I have driven passed this spot many times since August.
I always look as I pass.
But I had not been standing there at that spot since August when they drove me away in an ambulance.
It was weird to be there.

I started flashing back.
I could see the our car.
I could remember the ground.
The sandy ground.
I could see the green exit sign.
I could see the other jerk/bastard/asshole.
I could see the lack of barriers coming from the opposite direction.
I could feel the glass in my mouth.
Yep, this was the spot.

It is the spot where everything changed.
And now there is a "X" to mark it.


Suddenwidow said...

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this shitty reality. I'm feeling your sadness and thinking of you.

Joanne said...

Star, I'm so sorry. I am glad that it's there, though.

I'm sending you hugs. Love you.

robyn said...

omg i don't even know what to say....i am so very sorry that the sign exists (if that makes sense, cuz i hate the reason WHY it's there), but i love that it's there too....

Mars Girl said...

Beautiful entry. I too lost my husband just minutes into our marriage--20 months. He died in 2001 of cardiomyopathy, a genetic heart condition. Totally unforeseen.

I completely feel for you... Just read your google page.