I was...

... so grown up.

Once.

For about five minutes.

And now I feel so un-grown up.

I had my plans.

I had my goals.

I had most everything figured out.

At least the important stuff.

I had my dream house.

I had my marriage.

I had my cool car.

I had my pets.

Not that I do not have most of those things now.

I do. Most of them.

But not all.

And with that, I feel I have been catapulted back into a world of non-grown ups.

An adult, yes.

But no for sure plans really.

And I am a bit nomadic and floating through this current life.

Yes, I am in school but what after that?

Where will I work?  What kind of job? Will I be able to get a job?  Will I have a suitable income?

Yes, I have my house, but will I live here forever?

Will I live in Florida?  Will I teach in Orange County?

In all these non-grownup feelings, I feel myself disconnected.

A lot of my friends have the "grown up" life.

What do I talk to them about?

What do they talk to me about?

It is natural to drift away from friends when life takes us different directions.  

But this was not my choice.

I did not choose this direction.

And probably for the first time in my life, I am uttering the words, "I want to be grown up again."

I want to be responsible.

I want to know what the future holds.

At least a bit.

I do enjoy some of the non-grown up things.

Like my long days are only five hours long.  

But... I miss the connection.  

I miss them.

I miss my friends.  

I miss comparing work stories.

Comparing husband stories.

But now, I am so different.

Non-grown up.