Sunday, May 10, 2009

Stupid Aquarium

Taken Summer 07. Roger always sat in the back with his mom and I sat in the front with his sister.  He looked so hot in this picture.  

Sitting next to the aquarium. This proves to me how much weight I have truly lost.  

I am still in Miami.
And it has been a truly relaxing weekend and just time away from everything.
I have been doing a lot of reading, surfing the internet, and just true nothingness. 
I love it.
It was more needed than I realized.  It is amazing how being around family helps me.  
I am lucky to have married into this family.

Tonight, I went to dinner with some aunts, uncles, cousins, my mother-in-law, and sister-in-law.
I have been craving Thai food for about a month or so now.  
Maybe longer.
So we decide to go to this place I have been to before.
They have a little bit of Japanese and Thai.  
I was excited.
I was finally getting Thai food.

The last time we ate here was two years ago.
With Roger.
Of course. (pictures above)
I was fine outside the restaurant.
I was not having any issues.
And I was not expecting what happened next.  
Funny how grief works.

But we sat down.
I looked over to my right and I could see the table we sat at last time.
The beautiful aquarium with the coy fish.
I could see all of us laughing.
Having a good time.  
I could see us together.
I could see what he ordered.
I remembered him enjoying his food.

The more I looked at the aquarium, the more I was falling apart.
Fuck.  Not now.
I started fighting off tears.
I had to leave the table.
Tears started to stream down my face.
I had to go to the bathroom just to breathe.
Breathe in. Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.
I ran my hands under the cold water for a few minutes.
I dampened a paper towel and patted down my face.
"I can do this.  I am going to walk back out there.  And not look at the aquarium."

The rest of the dinner was fine.
But I could not help but remember how much he liked Thai.
Honestly, I kind of forgot until we were there.

At the end of the meal, the owner brought us Thai donuts.
One of Roger's favorites.
Deep breaths.  
Deep deep breaths.  
Roger just loved these things.

Damn it!

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