Saturday, June 20, 2009

Firkin A

I was enjoying bliss for a brief moment today.
I had just finished dinner with some awesome friends.
I had yummy food and a nice beer.
We were on our way to meet more friends for a night of bowling fun.
And I was happy.
I took a deep breath and I felt joy.
Blissful.  Complete happiness.
"Life is good. Life is back to being great."
I was feeling great.  
Almost awesome.

But then....
It hit me.
It was not guilt.  I have not felt guilt about being happy without Roger.  
Maybe it was grief.
Maybe it was something else completely.
But there it was.  
I thought, "Roger would love this."
He would have enjoyed the pizza.
He would have enjoyed the company.
He would have enjoyed bowling.
He would have enjoyed the dancing.

It makes me sad he can't.
It makes me sad he is not here.

And I still had fun.
I still enjoyed my friends.
I still laughed and smiled and tried not to think too much.
Sigh...

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If you live in East Orlando, I highly recommend Firkin & Keglers.

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

Yup. Been there. Done this. Repeatedly. And I know what you mean--I've *never* felt guilty when I've been happy or that I've been disloyal to Charley...but there were many moments when there was that "bite" earlier on in grief, where I'd realize I was happy for a moment and then have that same feeling that you described hit me soon after. I don't know what it is...but I don't know/think that having a name or description for it would change anything. It'd still happen.

But I get it. Completely. Hell, I *still* get moments like that sometimes...probably more often than I realize, particularly with stuff about or with Anna.

Sending you hugs.