Thursday, June 25, 2009

MY Side of the Bed

The weirdest thing happened.
Maybe three or four weeks ago.
I migrated.

Before this newest migration, I had been sleeping either on Roger's old side of the bed or in the middle.
But never ever on my side.
I could not do it.
It felt weird.
It felt like betrayal as odd as that sounds.
Like I was going back to old ways.
Like I was denying something.

But a couple of weeks ago, out of necessity, I had to go back.
I did a ton of laundry.
I dumped it on the bed thinking I would do it before I tucked myself in.
Much not to my surprise, I did not.
I went to study for an exam and did not return to my room until I was exhausted.
Until it was entirely too late to put away laundry.
Until I was only getting a couple hours of sleep before the exam.

This huge pile was covering my "normal" sleeping areas.
I debated staying up an additional half hour and putting the laundry away.
But I was tired.
So tired.

I went over to the old Star sleeping spot.
And the most amazing thing happened, I slept so well.
And the next night.
And the next night.
And the next night.

Hmm, maybe it is time to move back permanently?
I am not sure.

Another old habit is cropping up as well.
I used to travel for work as a consultant.
Monday through Thursday I stayed in hotels for two years.
I would almost always get a king size bed.
Then I would sleep diagonally or horizontally with my head on my side of the bed.
This has resumed. I wake up in this position.
I am not sure how I feel about this old new habit.

I am not sure how I feel about any of these new/old sleeping habits.
Does it mean something?
Does it mean nothing?


Ann said...

Isn't interesting how differently we all approach this thing called grief? For me, it took me a year before I would consider ever sleeping on his side of the bed even though it was the one more easily accessed from the room. The second year, I moved things from my side bedside table to his and year two was spent on his side. Year three was pretty much on his side with a lot of time in the middle.

We have something in common; neither of us was married very long. For me it was only 14 months and like you, it is a bit disconcerting how easily old single habits return. I don't think it really "means" anything except that we didn't get to spend enough time with the men we loved.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...




netekay said...

You are lucky that you could sleep on his side. I piled pillows on David's side because of the memory of what happened there. Two weeks later, I bought a new bed because I just could not stand it any longer.

Now I sleep on my own bed but on his side of the room. That feels okay to me... :)