Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Well, This is Just Odd

I have only been with my current last name for a little less than sixteen months.
It still has that new feeling. Like how the new car smell lingers for awhile.
I still have a slight delay when I write my name.
I even have it when I say my name.
And when I yell at myself for doing something stupid or silly, I still use my maiden name.
Like when I forget to turn on the dryer and leave wet clothes in it for twenty-four hours.
My new name just is not natural quite yet.
I mean, I was with my maiden name for over twenty-seven years.

If more odd...
Introducing myself to potential dates with my new last name.
"Hi, my name is Star X."
I would not have my new name if it was not for Roger.
If I had not been married before.

Yet I would not be dating had he not passed away.
It just feels odd.
I almost want to tell them both.
"Well, my name used to be this. But now it is this."

But I am proud of my new name.
I am proud because it made me Roger's wife.
And I am still Roger's wife.
It meant we were finally married.
We did it.
And I was finally married.
Me, the commitment phobia girl.

Yet here I am dating (again).
Other people.
Not Roger.
I am Roger's wife dating other people.
I do not feel guilty.
At all.
Just odd at some points.
Like how can this be.
A year ago things were so different.
I was in a different place.

Very odd.
Very odd indeed.

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

"Surreal" (or something just plain ol' "weird") is how I describe it sometimes...but "odd" is basically the same thing. =)

I think the same things about my last name when/if I ever get remarried. I don't know if I'll want to change my name. I'm proud of my last name. The best (and worst) things in my life happened when I had that name, and now it's a badge of courage, pride, and surviving the unsurvivable because of what I've had to go through in the last 4 years. Not to mention that I don't know what I'd do about Anna's last name--also change it? keep it the same? Not sure if I want to have the same or different last name as her...or if it'll even be an issue whenever the time comes. The discussion over last names has come up a few times among friends--both my widowed friends and others--and I remember hearing a few times, "Your husband's not going to want you keeping another man's name!" Not sure how I feel about that either. To me, it's less about what "man" the name belonged to and more about who I was and became with that name. So for me, I have stronger ties to my married name than my maiden name...no contest. Nobody'd think too askance if I chose to keep my maiden name in marriage...so sometimes I wonder why it's any different now. Yet to other/most people, I suppose it is. (I mean, seriously--my maiden name came from a *man* too, for god's sake! My father!)

Oh, yes. Odd indeed. ;o)