Tuesday, June 23, 2009

First Weekend of Summer

Wow, it is summer.
That means the middle of summer is coming up.
Roger's last summer.
The last one we shared together.

I had decided a few weeks ago, I wanted to clean out (finish cleaning out) Roger's office.
Roger's cousin, Freddy, had seen it after my first go around last year in about December and said "Oh, you haven't changed it yet."
"Yes I have. That is different and that and that."
He gave me a look.
Yeah, he was right.
It was basically the same.
His diplomas were still on the wall.
His toys were still on his desk.
His art on the walls.
Yeah, it was still Roger's office with me pretending to be mine.

So I wanted to make it mine.
I took down the diplomas.
I put up some of my baby pics.
I removed some of his toys.
I put some more of his things online for sale.
I felt odd but okay.

But then I was sitting on the floor.
I do not remember how or why I got there.
And then I was laying on the floor.
I could not hold myself up any longer.
Then I was sobbing.

I used to lay on the floor while he was working.
I used to just go in there to be with him while he was working.
Sometimes I would be quiet.
Sometimes I would beg for attention.
Sometimes I would whine.
Sometimes I would be super sexy and tempting.
But most of the time I would just be there.
With him.

On this Saturday, I was alone.
On the floor.
Without him.

I just wanted to sink into the floor.
I just wanted to close my eyes and have him reappear.
But no such luck.
Just an empty house with me and two cats.

I did not even realize how much it effected me until I went out Saturday night to meet some friends out for drinks.
I was getting irritated at drivers.
I was getting irritated at everything not going exactly right.
I got lost on my way to the bar and I was even more annoyed.
I just wanted to turn around and go home.
I keep telling myself, "No, you need to get out of the house and be with people."
"You do not need to be alone."
So I finally got parked.
I found my friends.
I got ready to sit down at the table.
"Hi Star! What did you do today?"
"I cleaned out Roger's office" came blurting out of my mouth before I could even think.
And then the tears.
But my friends are great.
They let me vent.
They let me get it out.
Obviously I needed it.

The actual first day of summer, my favorite season...
Still a little bumming.
The year mark is rolling toward me like a big ball of shit.
I am bracing myself.
I am planting my feet firmly in the ground.
I keep telling myself this will not scare me.
I can do this.
I have done so much, I can do this.
This growing ball of shit may just look big from far away.
It may just be some optical illusion and it will not be as big as it seems right now.

The earth has almost completed its orbit around the sun.
A whole year without Roger.
A whole set of seasons.
Sigh... and this is the last part.


Ann said...

I just passed the three year mark for me. It actuallly does get easier, but not right away. That first year was very tender and you need to be prepared to be on the edge during and around the date. Be gentle with yourself. Don't expect anything in particular. For instance if you are happy with the office the way it is, leave it. Don't worry about the way someone looks at you. You get to control the timing of your grief and recovery. Good luck to you!

Star said...

I was not happy with the office. It was just another painful memory of Roger not being here. I want to make my house my own.

I am not concerned about if people think I am doing things the right way or not and I am not (too) worried about what others think of my home. I am not trying to rid Roger out of my life but I am trying to keep living.

Ann said...

Sounds like you are a strong woman making great strides in continuing on with her life! Wonderful!