Saturday, June 13, 2009

Pushing

A great boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife will make the other want to be a better person.
They will encourage them to be a better person.
They will encourage them to meet their goals.  
Roger was that for me.
And I hope I was that for him.  

I always wanted to be a better girlfriend then fiancee then wife.  
I wanted to be pretty for him.
Not because he ever said anything to me that I was not, but I wanted to.
I wanted him to be proud of me.
I still got dressed up when we went out.  
I still did my hair and makeup.
I did not want to let myself go after we were married. 

I wanted to further my education.
Roger was always encouraging.  
Asking me what was next.
Pushing me to keep going.
And not in a negative way.  
Because he knew I had that goal.  
I wanted it and so he wanted to help me.
It was the way it should be.
It was nice. 
I did the same with him with school.
And when he finished I was uber happy for him.

When I wanted to get back into shape, he was my number one fan and motivator.
He would compliment me when I made time for the gym.
He would compliment me on my changing body.
He would give me tips as he was a certified kickboxing instructor (yes, another one of his many talents).
He would check up on me.
"Are you going to the gym today?"
I would sarcastically reply, "Jim who?"

And maybe he was a little bit pushy.  
But it was all for me.
All to make me who wanted to be.
Not that he wanted me any different than I was.
He said many many times that he loved me just the way I was whether I was having a bad hair day, bad work day, or bad body day.  
He was a great boyfriend/fiance/husband.

And today I found myself running a 5K!!
Thats 3.3 miles.  
Not something I would ever think I would do.
I am not a huge athlete or anything.
But six weeks ago or so a friend asked me if I wanted to do a 5K as a group.
"Hmm, sure.  Why not?"
What?  Who am I? What would Roger even think?  Of course he would have pushed me to train a lot more.
But I did it.
Me! 

My group came late so they ended up not running with me so I was mostly alone.
Mostly.
And I was pissed about running alone.  If it was planned not to run together, I would have been fine.
I would have brought my iPod like every other person there.  
But unexpected things do not sit well for me.  
Especially since I was so far out of my element.  
Especially since we were wearing matching T-shirts.

And then, I am not one much for spirits and ghosts and that kind of thing.
I have had some weird unexplainable experiences in my life.  
But I have only had a few experiences where I knew Roger was with me, like this time.  
And this time.  
But today I felt him again.
On the last mile or so.  
I was still brooding about running alone.
Like everything else in my life, I was running alone.  
I was annoyed.
Then I heard him.
"You are not alone.  I am running with you."
I felt chills down my left side of my arm and my left leg.
"Yeah, but I can't hear you for real."
"Oh, I am not talking loud enough for you now?"
I use to complain all the time that Roger spoke too loud.  He said it was just a Cuban thing.  And maybe he is right because his mother is loud too.  
But then he told me he was proud of me.  
And maybe it was not him.  Maybe it was some voice inside of me.  
But it felt like him.  
I want to believe it was him.

I finished the race which was my goal number one.  
And I finished under forty minutes which was my goal number two.
About a twelve minute mile.  Not great. But I am happy with that.  
I did not run the entire time and I was not the last person.
So I am good with that.  
And at least I can add that to my list of life accomplishments.  
I ran a 5K.

I will continue to try to meet my goals.
And I know part of it is Roger pushing me.  
Or at least me knowing that he would be if he was here.  
And that keeps me going.  

2 comments:

J-in-Wales said...

Well done you.

Yes, Roger would have been proud of you, but you did this for just you. And that is great too.

Suddenwidow said...

Congratulations Star! You are inspiring!