Thursday, June 4, 2009

"Walk Ahead"

For Christmas, I got the movie "P.S. I Love You".
I remember holding it in my hands staring at it.  
I knew what the movie was about.  
I remember wanting to see it before the world exploded.
But my friends told me not to watch it.
Never to watch it.
They told me just to get rid of it.
Get it out of my house.
They said it would be too much for me.  
They said I would cry.  
But of course, I would cry.  I would have cried a year ago too.  
If I did not cry, it would have been unusual.  

So being a glutton for punishment and just wanting to cry today and not being able to for whatever reason, I watched it.  
And yes, alone.
In some ways, it was so surreal.
Both of main characters were young.
No children.
And fought in similar ways as Roger and me in the opening scene.
I started crying right off the bat.  

But the dead husband wanted her to move on. 
To walk ahead.  
He wanted her to get rid of his stuff.
It is just stuff for God's sake.
He wanted her to be happy again whatever that meant.
Even with someone else.

The movie brought back the memories of my birthday last year.
And it also reminded me of the letter I have from Roger.  
It reminded me so much of the struggles I have been going through in the last nine months. 
But also the strides I have made.
But it also made me feel relieved to see how she persevered.  
How she was able to be happy in a short amount of time.
How she was able to kiss someone new and not feel guilty.
How she was able to fall for someone else.  

I know Roger would want me to be happy.
I know in my deepest of hearts that all anyone wants for someone they love or have loved is for that person to be happy.
I remember last summer how distraught I was at work.
How I wanted so badly to just walk out and quit.
I told Roger how frustrated I was as I sat crying at my desk.
And he reminded me how it was frustrating for him as well to see me so upset.
With not any way to fix it or make it better.

"Roger J: don't you think its frustrating for me too... that there is nothing I can do to help you.. to see you get frustrated.. 
Roger J: so all I can do is listen.. and tell you I think it will all work out for the best in the end
Roger: and I truly believe in the end it will all be good"

So I will keep walking ahead.  
I will keep believing it will all be good.  
And I must see to it that I am happy.  
Whatever that means.

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