Sunday, September 14, 2008

Oh my do I miss him

It is just unbelievable how much I miss him. It's been 3 weeks since the accident.
Three weeks since we held hands.
Three weeks since I felt his hand grab my leg in the car.
Three weeks since we kissed.
Three weeks since we have talked.
Three weeks since I've been able to grab him and hug him.

It just hurts so badly not to be able to do these things.
My heart just aches.
There is this huge void.
There is nothing I can do.
Nothing to bring him back.
Nothing to go back in time.
Just nothing.

Tonight eating dinner with friends I thought about how much Roger would just have loved to be there. How much he would have enjoyed the stories and just being with everyone. How he would have loved to get some ice cream.
How much he would have just adored that his cousin Freddie was up to visit.

And for the last three years when I had days like this, who would I run to... Roger.
And now although my friends are fabulous, there is no one to hold me close and tell me it will all be okay.
How can this be?
How the hell can this be?

3 comments:

Candise said...

Oh Star, how I hate to hear this. The pain you are going through is just unbearable! Im sending you my love full of hugs and strength for you today and always! We are family and always will be, but there is no greater thing then I would love to be able to do for you is bring Roger back or to take your pain away. Which of coarse neither can be done, atleast not right now. Roger will never be able to be brought back, and you will have this pain for a long time to come, but it will ease in time. Oh good grief, you have me in tears now, I just dont know what to say or do, or anything, I just want this to all go away for you. I was talking about you and Roger again last night with Jason and his work out buddy. Letting them know about the lives that this wonderful man has saved, but there is one that is really hurting still even though this miracle is happening for others. Star you are just a WONDERFUL person, and you always have been. I still dont understand why this has happened to you, it just isn't fair at all. I know you aren't supposed to question these kinds of things, Why did God let this happen, but I can't help it right now. I know there is plenty of reason, you have already seen lives saved because of this, but still. Damn it, it just isn't fair!!! I love you Star, and Im holding you tight far away, and Im telling you everything will be ok, in time it will be. I know no one can make it feel like Roger did, but, well, Im here for you no matter what! Im so extremely sorry for your loss and pain!!

Joanne said...

Hi, Star.

I'm sending you my love.

You are constantly in my heart.

Joanne

Holly said...

I spent that whole night thinking about Roger too. He definitely would have loved to have been there.