My Birthday

I know a few of you asked what I wanted for my birthday. I did update my Amazon.com wishlist. Its under my legal first name and my last name. Or if you know my real email (not the gmail or aol one), you can find it that way too.

Or use this link.

Funny Yet Not Funny

I hate Mondays.
I hate them so much that normally on Sunday nights I can't sleep.
I mostly hate them cause that is the day I normally have to go back to work.
I have to get up early which I also hate.
I hate hate hate Mondays.

The only saving grace about Mondays is that Jay Leno has headlines on.
If you aren't familar with the show's segment, people send in headlines, newspaper clippings, menus, magazine ads, etc that are somewhat funny.
Well, usually very funny to me.
Especially after the worst day ever invented.

I would tell Roger often that the only good thing about Mondays is headlines.
It is what would get me through the whole day.
I would stay awake even though I was so sleepy just to watch them.
The funny thing is they are on at 11:45pm.
So really its almost Tuesday when they are on but it doesn't matter.
I adore them.

I would make sure to have my face washed, my teeth brushed, and nicely settled into bed.
Then...
I would laugh way harder than they probably deserved.
And Roger would look at me funny.
And I would laugh harder.
And Roger would start laughing at me.
And sometimes I really couldn't stop laughing and then I would barely be able to breath.
I think its from the stress of Mondays.

I haven't watched them in so long.
Probably since before Michael Phelps won all those gold metals.
But yesterday was Monday.
And it was hard so I stayed up to watch headlines.

I laughed because they were funny.
I cried because Roger wasn't here to watch them with me.
I cried because Roger couldn't watch me laugh.
But then I did laugh some more.
Then I would find myself laughing and crying at the same time.

I really miss these every day little habits and rituals of us.
That is one of the the hard part.

Tomorrow is my birthday and although not an everyday habit, I will miss him so much.
It will be so hard to celebrate my day without someone who made every day more complete.
Ugh.

The Bestest Gifts Ever

Today is our 3 year anniversary of our first date.
I feel like between the 22nd and today there are just so many anniversaries.
Some really good and some really bad.
My doctor told me there would be these but it just sucks.

I wonder of course what Roger would be giving me today.
And of course what he had planned for Wednesday on my birthday.
Roger gave me the best gifts.
He was so thoughtful and so many times he completely surprised me.

Backstory:
When I first moved to Florida, I was poor.
Very very poor.
I was 18 years old when I first moved and just was not prepared.
Not prepared at all in any way!!
I had $1000 to move to a completely new state and did not have a job when I moved.
Stupid girl.
I had moved with my boyfriend at the time and although we were trying to find jobs, we just didn't have enough money saved.
Stupid stupid girl.

I was pawning things.
I was selling CDs.
I was searching for change in the seats.
I was not eating dinner.
I was poor.

So I asked my mom to send me a $50 savings bond that I had won when I was in 4th grade for perfect attendance.
She sent it down and I took it took the bank.
It wasn't even fully matured.
And because I was overdrawn on my account I received even less.
Still, I did what I had to do.
I had to have gas to get around and I needed to eat.

Once and only once, I had randomly told Roger this story.
And just in general conversation. I don't even remember how it came up.
But I guess it must have stuck with him.

For Christmas 2006, Roger was eating lunch with his co-workers and told them he needed to buy me a card for Christmas.
His co-workers tried to tell him that we had been dating for way too long to just get me a card for Christmas.
But Roger had a plan.

I found the card that year in my stocking.
We were sitting on the floor in the formal living room.
Roger warned me I was going to cry when I opened that Christmas card.
"No way. It's a card. I'm not going to cry"
"Yes dear, we'll see."

I open the card.
I start to cry.
Inside the card was a receipt for a $50 savings bond.
Roger wrote in the card about how he would always take care of me and I would never need to turn in that savings bond.
How I never needed to worry and I could depend on him.
I cry some more.

I don't even remember when I told Roger the original story.
I know I didn't even make a big deal about it.
But Roger's gift touched me.
To finally have someone I could completely depend on.
Someone who would always take care of me.

I've been taking care of myself for a long time.
Longer than I ever wanted to be.
It was so nice to have someone take care of me.
I miss that. I miss that a lot.

Roger's 33rd year

Last August Roger was super excited to turn 33 years old.
He kept saying it was the year of mastery.
Jesus died and rose again when he was 33.
Muhammed also did something important when he was 33.
So Roger just knew it was his year.
He was happy to be 33.

What a year it was.
He started off his birthday by taking surfing lessons.
It was something he always wanted to learn so we went to Cocoa Beach.
He picked it up so fast.
He was up on the board within the hour lesson.
I was a proud fiancee.

In December, Roger graduated with his B.A. in Philosophy with a minor in Cognitive Studies.
I agrued it was a B.S. degree but he said it was definitely an art.
Again, I was a proud fiancee.
He was accepted into the Cognitive Studies certificate program as well which he was going to start this fall.

In February, he became my husband.
And we had an amazing wedding.
I still remember vividly Roger meeting me about two-thirds of the way down the aisle to escort me to the alter.
Roger said it was his earning his degree in Star-ology.
Roger was an amazing husband and I was a proud wife.

Roger also sat for the Project Management Professional.
He studied a ton but he passed.
I "made" him a layered cake from Publix.

At the beginning of August, Roger was nervous about turning 34.
Honestly, I was a bit shocked too.
I was married to a guy that was 34. Whoa.

He only made it three weeks into his 34th year.
But during his 33rd year, Roger did have a year of mastery.

Congratulations...

I'm not pregnant!!
Yay!
This is super good news.

I know everyone was so curious but I was just about as scared as I could be.
What if?
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine raising a child that was like Roger and looked like Roger?
Can you imagine dealing with pregnancy hormones and all the grief?

I think I would really just have a heart attack.
I would definitely be roaming some bridges around here.
How scary to be a single mom by death.

Roger and I both didn't really want children at this point in our lives.
We really wanted to enjoy our marriage first and then decide later.
The plan was to wait until we had been married for 5 years.
Maybe a slight check up point when I was 30ish but after the 5 year mark, one or both of us would be "fixed" in order to prevent any "Oops" baby.

Now it kinda feels strange too.
There are lots of items I would hold on to for a child's sake but I don't have Roger's children.
What do I do with things like his diplomas and passport and things like that.
Of course for now I'm keeping them.
But later?? I will probably just keep a trunk of his things and our wedding things.
I've already started putting some wedding things up there.

I did drive by the accident scene today.
It was hard but I had my friend Jennifer with me.
Just weird to drive by there.
To know thats the last place where our lives where somewhat normal.
Lots of deep breaths.
Lots and lots of deep breaths every day.

My Sewing Class

For Christmas last year, I asked for a sewing machine.

I just wanted something simple to do things like curtains, duvets, etc.

I'm not going to start making my own clothes or anything.

I had been mentioning it to Roger over and over again. And under our tree I didn't see a box big enough for a sewing machine.
I was sad.

However, my super cool mother-in-law and fabulous sister-in-law gave me a Singer sewing machine.

I was happy.

Roger's mom tried to teach me over Christmas while we there but the language barrier was too much.

Roger kept googling for classes for me and sending me the emails.

Or picking up class schedules at Joann's fabric store.

I still have the first email. It is dated January 1.

To put it lightly, he kept reminding me to take a class.

I tried a few times myself.

I kept having some I-D-10-T errors and some end user operator errors.

Then I had the wedding to worry about so I didn't get to investigate it too much.

The week of the wedding Cecilia helped me with some of the mistakes I was making.

Roger kept reminding me.

Every time we went to Joann's he would say "Look there is a sewing class"

"Yes dear"

I did make some super awesome tablecloths for the July 4th party.

And the weekend before the accident we bought fabric for our master bedroom curtains I was going to make.

When I was gathering Roger's things to take back to his office, I found another Joann's class schedule. "Yes dear, I'll schedule the class."

Well today, I finally took the sewing 101 class at Joann's.

And now I can make an awesome pillow case. Or at least a semi-awesome pillow case.

I made one in class. I then came home and made another one for the master bedroom. They are the blue ones in front of the big brown ones.

The Aquarium Stand

When I first met Roger he had his aquarium sitting on an entry/sofa table.

It had all the little aquarium stuff like rocks and little ceramic things.

Except, it had no water.

Very low maintenance aquarium there.

When we moved into the new house, I just didn't want to have it up like that again.

If we were going to have an aquarium, it would have water.

And maybe even fish if we were really lucky.

However, that entry/sofa table would never hold an aquarium with water.

It would just be way too heavy.

So we added to our "after wedding" purchase list an aquarium stand.

Our wedding came and went and we started on the purchase list.

We looked at some of the pre-built ones we could buy.

We liked about 0 of them.

They all looked way too cheap and just didn't seem nice enough.

We saw some online that we kinda liked but they were very very expensive.

And Roger being the manly man said to me "Ya know, I could probably just build one"

My answer: "Yes dear."

Roger started googling on what type of wood and and the measurements and such.

He made some excel spreadsheets.

He made some drawings.

He asked my opinion on designs.

We went and bought some wood.

Roger started building.

One Friday night, he was out there in the garage working. I went out to check on him and he had a frame. But he needed help making it level. So I helped him make it sorta level.

I went back inside to do my stuff.

An hour later, I went back outside and it was in pieces.

I asked Roger what happened and he said "It wasn't level enough so I'm starting over."

"Yes dear."

It became his little project (along with about 100 other projects he had going).

It had some project scope creep but it was okay.

He even added his new invented "signature" to the wood after a jigsaw mistake - a key hole.

(Sidenote: Roger loved old fashioned keys & locks)

After Roger's death, it was very hard to walk into the garage to see this beautiful aquarium stand. It was almost complete.

I am really sad that he'll never finish it.

It breaks my heart that he will never see it to completion.

On Tuesday, Sean & Deb came over. Sean sanded it all for me.

It was so odd to hear noises coming from the garage. It has been over a month.

Tonight I conditioned the wood cause the stain can told me too.

Then I stained it. Roger kept joking that I'd be doing this task.

We also used to joke about who the aquarium stand belonged to.

Roger said it was mine. I said it was his.

It looks so nice now.

So much nicer than a store bought one.

It just hurts so much not to have him finishing it.

_______________________________

Today has just sucked for me.

I've just been so tired with no motivation.

I haven't wanted to do anything but yet I can't sit still at all or focus on anything.
I signed the paper today not to sue the other driver for wrongful death.

It made me want to vomit. I know its the right decision but it still feels horrible to have a dollar value on our life together.

For Sio, a bathroom story

Today I was laughing so hard in the shower.
I remembered a random story (of course) and I just had to share.
Its probably one of those stories that you had to be here for but oh well.

Back stories:
First, a couple of months before the wedding, we bought this really cute teak wood set for our front porch.
Two chairs and a small table.
I sat out there a few times. Really I did.
Not as much as I coulda shoulda but I did sit out there.
We didn't pay too much for it so I didn't feel too bad.

Second, our neighbors to the left are never home.
Never ever!
They live in the house one month out of the year and live the rest of the year in Venezuela.
When they are here, they throw huge parties and there are about a million of them.

Back to the real story, so Roger and I go on our normal routine of walking to the mail box together one evening. When we come back to the house, I notice that one of the chairs is missing.
I'm bummed.
It was such a cute little set. Now it only has one chair and one table. Very bumming.

Well the next day Roger finds the chair.
Its in the neighbors yard and this is their month they are actually here.
The chair is completely destroyed.
There are shoe marks on the chair. It look like someone had stood on it and broke it.
We had heard them having a party a few nights ago.
I'm pissed. How dare they steal a chair off our porch.
Who do they think they are! Why do they think they can do that! What kind of people are they!

Roger being all manly goes over there to talk to them. Such a great hubby.
He was much nicer than the letter I had started and wanted to send to them.
They say they don't know what happened but no one from their house took the chair.
Roger notices a second chair near the same area right below a window. It looks like perhaps someone was trying to possibly break into their house.
I feel bad.

The next weekend, we are all sleeping.
Its about 2am.
Its all quiet on the homefront.
Then huge crash in the bathroom.
Sounds like glass breaking.
We both wake up suddenly.
Holy crap, what's going on.

My dear super protective and strong husband runs into the bathroom.
He screams "Hey!!!"
With all that martial arts training, all the seminars, all the Aikido, all the Tai Kwon Do, all the kickboxing, all those many many hours, Roger yells "Hey!"?
With the ninja stars and other knifes, Roger stored in our bedroom, he yells "Hey!!"??
Wow dear, you really got them there.

Turns out....
It was just the shaving mirror in the shower falling against the shower tiles.
Good job dear. I'm glad you have that "Hey!!" for the potential thiefs.

A regret yet a blessing

Two Tuesdays before the accident, Roger was on call till the following Tuesday (the one right before the accident). It was a really rough on call. He got called almost every day and night.
He kept getting woke up in the middle of the night.
He was so happy after that on call was over.

But since he really couldn't do anything, I went out a lot with my friends.
On Wednesday, August 13, I went to dinner with Veena, Jody, and Jon.
I didn't get home till late.
On Friday, we went to dinner and out to City Walk for Jon's last day at AHS and didn't get home until super late.
On Saturday & Sunday, Roger worked a lot.
We did get the chance to buy fabric for the master bedroom curtains.
But of course on the way to Lowes, called again.
The week of the accident, I think I went out once more.
I also went to the gym on Wednesday night.
Then Thursday night, I was late getting home because of getting my hair chemically straightened.

Now...
Had I known, I would have spent every minute with my darling husband.
I wouldn't have left his side.
I would have told him over and over again how much I love him.
How much I appreciated him.
What a great husband he was.
How much I loved his aquarium stand.
How proud I was of him.
His head would have been huge.
He would have been walking on air.
But...
I didn't know.
I don't even remember what he was wearing that Friday.
I don't remember what we were even talking about when I saw the other car.

Here is where I step up onto my soap box.
I have always been a firm, firm believer that you can't abandon your friends and family once you have a significant other.
You can not just forget about all those people once you are married.
You just can't.
You must keep your friends.
You must make the time for them.
I do not know what I would do without the support of my friends and family right now.
Your husband can be your best friend but he can not be your only friend.
You just never know what the future has in hold for you.
And even if you live happily married for years and years and years, friends will only make your life better.
Stepping off soap box now.

Part of me regrets not spending every moment of last three years with Roger.
Part of me regrets not remembering exactly what he had on & what he was saying the day of the accident but I can't blame myself.
However boys and girls, my friends are the biggest blessings.
They keep me lifted up.
One of the 100 sympathy cards I received talked about how to let go and just let my friends be my wings and keep me lifted up.
And trust me, right now, if it were not for my fabulous friends, I don't know where I would be.

Happy Anniversary

My (yes "My") seven month wedding anniversary is today.
It was greeted by:
"Crap, its 8:53am and I need to be at the Social Security office at 9:35am"
I arrived at the Social Security office at 9:32am thanks in part to Mr. Scott
(Thank you so much for helping me)
My lovely self forgot to actually turn the alarm on even though I set it for the correct time.
I didn't even take drugs last night.
Yes and it took forever and a day to actually fall asleep.

Then it happened...
I cried for the second time at the Social Security office.
"Marriage ended by death on 8/28/2008"
Wow.
I know I said the vows "Death do us part" but today it was for real.
Death did end our marriage.
Death did part us.
It just feels like I didn't have a choice in the matter.
People who get divorced have a choice.
I hate not having choices.
I loved being married.

I keep remembering the picture of us lighting our unity candle.
The symbol of us becoming one.
Am I half now?
Every day I debate putting it upstairs in the closet with the rest of the "wedding" related memorblia.
Right now it haunts me but yet it comforts me to see the candles unlit sitting in the cute niche that made us buy this house. "This niche is perfect for your wedding picture."

I also learned last week that per the IRS terms I was never married.
Unless of course I get married between now & December 31, 2008 which I do not foresee happening.
It kinda makes me feel like it was just a figment of my imagination.
It was all a dream.

So I sit here on my anniversary.
Gently rubbing Roger's wedding band between my thumb and forefinger.
I love the smoothness of the metal.
It reminds me of the first time holding his hand when he had it on.
It felt so odd to have this metal thing on his finger interlaced with mine.

It wasn't a dream. It was the best time of my life.

Death List

Roger had something similar to this. It was a bit out of date but it was helpful. I just did one for myself but I thought I'd share. It was also mentioned on that show "How I Met Your Mother" and I think that's where he got the idea.

I created this template. Just copy & paste into a document or print it out I guess. Just store it in a super uber safe place or with people you trust with your life, money, and identity.

Upon my death
Current as of Today’s date: _________________________

Funeral Directions:
Do not bury me; do not put me in a casket.
Cremate me.

Demographics:
My social is ____________
DOB __________, born in _______________
My maiden name is ___________________
My mother’s maiden name is _____________________
My father’s name is ____________________
My blood type: _____
Major Surgeries: ________________________________
I am organ donor

Husband/Wife:
Social is _______________.
DOB _________ & DOD ____________
Previous/Legal name: _____________________
Wedding date _______________

Car:
Driver’s License # ______________________
Make/Model: _______________, VIN _______________________, Tag # ________
Ins Company: ______________ Policy #: ______________________
Agent: ______________________________
Address: _____________________________________________________
Phone: ____________________
Sunpass/Epass: Acct # ______________, Pin _________

Health Ins:
Company: _______________________________
Mem # ____________________________, Group # ___________________________

Life Ins: Company: _____________________________, Policy # __________________

Money:
1) Bank: ______________________ Phone: ___________________________
- Checking Acct # ___________________ (Check card _____________________)
- Savings Acct # _____________________
- Credit Card Acct # _____________________________



2) Bank: ______________________ Phone: ___________________________
- Checking Acct # ___________________ (Check card _____________________)
- Savings Acct # _____________________
- Credit Card Acct # _____________________________

1) Credit Card _________________________ Phone: ______________________
Acct ___________________________

2) Credit Card _________________________ Phone: ______________________
Acct ___________________________

3) Credit Card _________________________ Phone: ______________________
Acct ___________________________

IRA: Company _________________________, Acct # ______________________

Roth IRA: Company _________________________, Acct # ______________________

401K: Company _________________________, Acct # ______________________

Pension: Company _________________________, Acct # ______________________

Jewelry: ________________________________
Warranty info: ___________________________

Houses:
Address: ___________________________________________
Mortgage Company _____________________, Type: ___________________ Acct # ___________________________________
Subdivision: _______________________________
County _________________________
HOA: _____________________ Cost: $_____/_______ Acct # ______________
Garage code: __________
- Electricity Company: ________________________, Acct # _________________
- Landline Company: __________________________, Phone # _______________
- Water/Sewer Company: _______________________, Acct # ________________
- Cable Company: _________________________, Acct # ____________________
- Internet Company: _______________________, Acct # ____________________
- Homeowners Ins Company: _________________, Policy # _________________
Agent: ______________________________
Address: _____________________________________________________
Phone: ____________________
- Yard pest control Company: _________________, Acct # __________________
- Inside pest control Company: ____________________, Acct # ______________
- Alarm Company: ____________________, code: _______, password: _________

Gym: ____________________________________

Landscaper: _____________________, $ ______/month, Phone: ___________________

Cleaning lady: _____________________ Phone:_____________________


Charities:
1) Organization: __________________________ $_____/____
2) Organization: __________________________ $_____/____

Doctors:
Dentist: __________________________________
Address: ______________________________________________________________
Phone: ____________________

Primary Care Doctor: __________________________________
Address: ______________________________________________________________
Phone: ____________________

OB/Gyn: __________________________________
Address: ______________________________________________________________
Phone: ____________________

Other Specialist: __________________________________
Address: ______________________________________________________________
Phone: ____________________

Vision: __________________________________
Address: ______________________________________________________________
Phone: ____________________

The twenty-second of February

Seven months ago was the night before my wedding.
I had lists everywhere.
A list of things to do that day. A list of things to take to the hotel. A list of things to give to Ashlie. A list of things for Roger to do. A list of things going to the church. A list of things going to the reception.
I spent the morning getting my toes painted blue.
Yes blue.
I had my hands painted with a French manicure.
I spent time with most of my bridesmaids as well as my cousin and mother.
My heart was nervous.
My heart was a little scared.
I was about to get married.
It was the day before the day I had been planning for sixteen months.
The plans were starting to set into motion.
Roger seemed cool and calm as usual.

One month ago, my plans went to hell.
My heart was heavy.
My heart was nervous.
My heart was scared.
The morning had started as any other day of a big trip.
We got up early at about 4:30am.
Roger showered as I got the last minute things together.
I fed the cats and made sure the litter boxes were prestine.
We didn't put the suitcases out yet so Gizmo wouldn't know we were leaving her.
We spelled out "packing" like she could understand the word.
Roger got out of the shower and said, "I must love you. I just got up at 4:30 am, showered, and shaved upwards."
This is the last thing I remember him saying to me.
We finished p-a-c-k-i-n-g.
We rolled our suitcases out and turned out all the lights.
It's not raining for once. It had been raining all week.
We got to the garage and I remembered how I had forgot the love letters we had written in February 2007 to be opened the next day.
"Crap, I forgot the love letters. Oh well, we'll do them on Monday"
It begins to rain again.
Roger and I are chatting in the car like usual.
I was excited about this trip. I was excited for Roger to meet my old friends and to meet my grandfather.
We were going to go tubing down the New River on Sunday.
I check the clock. It's 5:28am. Our flight leaves at 7:00am. I think we are okay on time.
My mind sees a silver SUV coming straight towards us.
This does not make sense. We are on a highway, why is this car here.
The next thing I remember is jumping out of the car.
I only have one shoe on I realize later.
I am screaming at Roger. "Dear, get out of the car. Roger, please. Get out of the car. Please get out of the car. Roger!!"
I touch his face. He is bleeding.
I am pulled away from the car and sat on the grass.
The other driver is just walking around.
I'm screaming for my husband. "Someone please tell me what is going on! Please. Is he breathing? Does he have a pulse"
My heart is breaking.
My heart knows something isn't right.
It's raining.

Today is the one month anniversary of the accident.
So close it seems. It seems like only two weeks ago, not a month.
It's raining again.
My heart is heavy.
My heart is sore.
My heart is broken.

I started grief counseling today. I'm really glad for it. I feel like I can be sad there. I can cry. I can not cry. I don't have to be strong there. I can say whatever I want. There is no judgement.

Today I also threw a temper tantrum in Macy's. I am not proud. They wouldn't let me return the humongo Crock Pot. I registered for the wrong one. And now I def do not need the super large one. The first lady wouldn't let me return it without the box. I started crying.
They gave me a gift card since they didn't have the one I wanted.

My doctor warned me there would be lots of anniversaries. There is just no way for me to prepare for them...
Ugh.

I was a bad wife...

Sometimes.

I have a hard time with romantic gestures in words.
Ya know the ones.
Like "you complete me" in Jerry Macguire just makes me want to gag.
So even worse... when they happen to ME.

Even worse than that is that I would actually make gagging noises to my dear husband.
It goes along with not being able to accept compliments.
My love language is definitely not words by any means.
It just doesn't make me feel loved.
It makes me wonder why and what you really want.
It makes me wonder what is your alterior motive.
I'm much more of a touch person.
I like hugs and such from those I love.

And guess what? Roger was a words person.
Yep, I fell in love with my opposite. Imagine that.
It made an interesting relationship in the beginning.
I wanted him to touch me and he wasn't an affecionate person.
He wanted to me to talk about how much I loved him and I didn't want to talk.
We both started compromising.

I knew if I wanted to make Roger feel good, I just had to tell him what a great guy he was or to compliment him on something he did for me.
Roger knew if he wanted me to do something or feel loved he would need to touch me.
It was working out great.
Except...
When he would try to use words with me.
I tried to get better. I really did.
But I'd still catch myself putting my finger down my mouth as he tried to say something super uber romantic to me.
Blah.
It was not a very good feature of my wife-ness.
More time and I promise I would have improved.
Well, I would have tried really hard.

Roger's soulmate theory

Soulmates are an interesting thing.
And of course everyone and their mother have a theory on them.
Some theories are good and some are just really silly.
I am not one of those people who believe that:
A) Soulmates are opposite sex
B) that you only get one per lifetime
C) that you always get along.

I do believe that soulmates can be male or female in a sexual or non-sexual manner
AND NEWSFLASH
that you can have more than one at a time and in a lifetime.

For instance, I believe my friend Cecilia is one of my soulmates.
I can go months without talking to her and we pick up right were we left off pretty much at anytime. She can detect how I am feeling and truly support me.
There are also times where I am thinking about her a lot and suddenly she calls or I get an email from her.
Its more than us being good friends its something more.
Its something deeper.
Something special.

Roger had an interesting theory about soulmates.
And even though right now I hate how his theory works, I think he may be onto something.
He believed pretty much the same as me except that he thought soulmates would leave your life when they had completed their duty.
Their duty may be to be with you during a difficult time or to teach you a lesson about life.
The lessons are not always obvious but nonetheless needed.

I've been thinking about this a lot in the last four weeks (yes, its already been four weeks).
I truly believe fate brought us together and he was definitely a soulmate of mine.
But what did he teach me?
And why was he already finished?
I feel like I could have learned a lot more from him.
And maybe even in death he will still teach me some more things.

Here are a few things that I have already discovered in his lessons:
1. I am sexy and I am beautiful.
No matter what I was wearing and no matter what I looked like, he thought I was sexy and beautiful. Even if I was just doing something silly he'd find a way to show his desire for me. Even if its completely like a sixteen year old boy.
2. Marriage can be a great thing.
In my life, I've seen many of my family and friends get into marriages for the wrong reasons. I have also watched them walk away from marriages and not taken it seriously. I've seen so many divorces to the point that I was doubting how I could ever marry someone.
3. Make plans but don't count on them.
Roger and I had so many plans for the next couple of weeks, the next couple of months, the next year, the next five years, and the next ten years. It was always almost a joke. "Is this on the five year plan or the ten year plan?" Roger would say "Humans make plans and God laughs."
Even the weekend of the accident, we had plans.
4. There are people in life that you can depend on 110%.
I have a really hard time depending on people. Most people in my life have disappointed me, abandoned me, or hurt me. But I have to remember those people are not a reflection of all people.
5. Delegate.
I need to delegate things to other people and not take on everything myself. I have improved in this area greatly. Roger wanted to help me and he wanted to take this off my hands as much as possible. He would gladly go to Publix, PetsMart, the drycleaner or whatever else I thought was a "girl" job.
6. I am not perfect.
No matter how much I think I am or how much I want to be, I'm not. I am not Martha Stewart unfortunately. However, I'm still very lovable and a great person.

More lessons to come I'm sure.
As well as other soulmates.

I heart my doctor

Thursday I had to go to the doctor about all my injuries and such. So in order to give an update to all efficiently, I figured I'd just do it here.

First of all, I love my doctor. He is so nice, so genuine, and so down to earth.
He sits down and actually really listens to you and talks to you. He runs on time and when I first went to him he took my health history himself versus me filling out some form.
What a novel idea…

So right after Roger’s passing I knew I wanted to see him as most people go through physical changes while grieving. I also was having issues with my arm still being infected along with many others. At first he was going to send me to an accident specialist (before he knew of Roger’s death) and I just didn’t want a new doctor.
I told him I’d pay cash if I had to I just wanted to see him.

Just so ya know, when you are in a car accident, all your medical bills go to the car insurance first then to your regular insurance. So your regular doctor must accept your car insurance which most don’t.

Last visit, he put me back on antibiotics because my arm was still infected.
He talked to me about my bruises on my legs. He just talked to me in general to make sure I was okay. Again, such a novel idea for most doctors.
All this niceness for the great price of free.

Yesterday, he checked out my arm. Which is doing much much better.
No more bathing with a trash bag - yippee.
No more covering the arm up with a bandage which is great since my skin was really not happy with the tape.
I also discovered a few days ago that the right side of my right knee from probably hitting the door was numb. Just about for 2-3 inches but still. My doctor said it will take a year for that to heal as well as the skin around my arm to regain feeling.
I have to do stretching exercises with my wrist as well as my ankles.
Again, he is treating me for free.

I highly recommend him to anyone in the Orlando area.
If you want a doctor who will talk to you like a person and take his time with you and if you want a doctor who respects your time and if you want a doctor who is truly in the business to help people, please call Dr. Anthony Douglas of Maitland Internal Medicine.

My wallet

Roger was pretty good at convincing me to do things. C'mon, look at how he "tricked" me into our first meeting. Even last year for my birthday he convinced me that I really didn't want to go to the beach but I wanted to go to Universal and renew our passes.
I'm not sure why I was so malleable around him but its kinda funny if you know how stubborn I am 98% of the time.

So last Christmas-ish time, we walked into a Pier 1. We had about an hour to kill before a movie so what better way to waste time than to redecorate your entire house in your head.
Of course being Christmas time, they had several items for stocking stuffers. They weren't that expensive so I was just browsing.

Backstory:
I am not a huge fan of Christmas decor and just the whole Christmas thing in general.
First, I think the stores and people start it way too early each year.
Second, I sang Christmas carols in choir from September through January from 4th grade until I was a senior in high school. Can you say over-exposure?
Third, I just think its way too stressful and it doesn't have any meaning except for the gifts buying/receiving thing.

So back at Pier 1, I found this wallet that was really kinda neat. It wasn't real leather or anything but cute. Its red with some nice flower design on the outside.
Totally cute.
They also have these cute coin change holder thing that opens when you squeeze it. I hadn't seen one of those since I was a kid and back then they were usually plastic and free.
Also totally cute.
I'm standing there contemplating in my head to buy these for myself.
There cute and cheap. What other reasons do I need?

Roger comes up behind me and says:
"Oh those are cute."
"Yeah, I think I like them" as I hold them, stare at them, open them, close them.
Roger then kills the whole moment...
"They look Christmas-y"
Done. Over. I drop them like a grenade.
Okay, off to look at something else completely non-Christmas related.

I think I've mentioned this before but it just amazes me how many little, big, silly, and important things remind me of Roger. Now I open my purse (which matches the wallet perfectly by the way) and see my little coin change holder and my wallet that Roger went back several days later to get for me.
He knew I liked them.
He knew I wanted them.
But he also knew how to temporarily make me hate them.

Intro to my book

Okay okay.
I know it looks like I'm insane with all these posts within minutes of each other.
Really I'm not. At my most recent CT scan, the doctor said I was normal.
In reality, I wrote these earlier today (yes, as in Thursday, September 18, 2008).
I can't help it I can't sleep.
I also can't help that I thought of these while taking a bath and just had to write them all down.

So I was thinking...
Intro to my book

So many of you have been saying I should take these blogs and somehow turn them into a book. And like everyone else, I’d love to somehow be famous. Somehow tell the world about my amazing husband and my journey into widowhood. So here is how it would go.

Title: “Unmarried female age 27”

First, the dedication:
"To my dear
You all know who you are whether you are dear friends or my dear husband where ever you may be."

Actual Intro:
"So you picked up this book thinking it was some late twenties guide to singlehood before you hit the big 3-0. Well, sorta kinda but not really. This is a compellation of short entries written after I was shoved back into singledom at the dear age of 27.

Just picture the prized pig from the state fair that has just won the first prize. She’s all bathed and she’s all pretty. She’s just a happy ham smiling ear to ear. The day is bright and the music is softly playing in the background.
Somehow her crate falls off the back of truck on the way home, the crate completely busts open, the music comes to a screeching halt, and she lands in the biggest dirtiest mud puddle this side of the Mississippi.

Well, that’s what happened to me on August 28, 2008. My very happy, very young marriage ended and my absolutely fabulous husband passed away. Six days before, we were in a very bad car accident. Roger’s injuries were just too great.

In order to erase the terrible memories of those six horrid days, I started collecting all the cool memories I could recall about my dear Roger. I also documented the grieving process for me in hopes that maybe someone else out there may be comforted by knowing they are not alone."

So am I normal or crazy?

Stupid pronouns

Okay, remember those pesky things from English class. You know, “your” “my” “we” “you” “they” etc. All that fun stuff we learned from high school or maybe even younger.
Well, I currently hate them.

When I was wedding planning at some point, someone somewhere pointed out that for a healthy relationship and to get use to the idea that you were part of the team you should use the pronouns “we”, “us”, and “our.”
For example, “our wedding” or “we would love to do that” or “just invite us over.” The idea was not that you lose your individuality but that you started honoring the fact you were part of a team.
So it wasn’t “my wedding” it was “our wedding.”
You get the idea.
It’s not the 1950s again but you get the point.

Well, now they are haunting me.
“Our house” is now “my house”.
“Our bedroom” is now “my bedroom.”
“We have never been” should now be “I have never been”.
It’s a really hard habit to break now. I’ve been engaged and/or married for almost 2 years. A habit forms in only 21 days.
I think I passed 21 days in Thanksgiving 2006.

I feel like I’ve lost my teammate. I lost my “we”, my “our”, my “us”.
It’s hard doing everything alone. Making decisions without my other half. There are so many decisions to be made right now and its just so hard.

Flirtiness

Many of you who know either Roger or myself or even both of us know that weare sorta kinda maybe flirty.
Not in "let's get it on with someone else" kind of way but just flirty.
Some say I do it with my eyes and smile. Roger would do it with his smile as well and just general personality.

I once saw him flirting with a girl at Barnies as he was telling her about amartial arts class. I just start giggling. He didn't even realize he wasdoing it. But she was smiling back at him.

Me? I didn't realize I was doing it either.
It just happens with me. Notsure why.
I've just always been flirty. And a little alcohol makes it even worse.

Now of course I loved it best when Roger would flirt with me and vice versa.
Even better was when we were in separate cars for whatever reason.
I'd be in my cute little MINI and he would be in his sexy Acura.
I'd be at the red light and he'd pull up beside me.
He would roll down his window.
Gesture for me to roll down mine.
Then pretend he didn't know me.
Then he'd do the "how you doin" nod.
I couldn't help but just giggle.
"Can I get your number?"
"You already have it, silly boy"
Or if I was being fiesty...
I'd roll my window back up and speed away.

We had so much fun being flirty.

Sleeping Alone - Silver Lining

So I wrote a few days ago about how much I missed sleeping with my dear husband.

Well, last night being the libra I am, I decided to list some of the good things about sleeping alone.

1. In a king size bed, you can lay diagonal. If you do not find that comfortable, you can lay horizontal. This makes for a much better TV watching position since I don't really like laying on my back.

2. The remotes can easily just stay on the bed. After we were watching TV, I would normally just hand them (read: lay them on) Roger. He would then move around till they fell onto the floor. There were many nights upon return afterwards where I could not locate the remotes. And who wants to actually turn the TV on with the button on the TV. They also sometimes would loose their batteries. Again, finding these could pose a delay in going to sleep.

3. Discarded clothing can stay on the bed. I currently have several shirts that I've only worn for a few hours so not quite dirty but I haven't put away either. Its nice. They don't move or anything.

I don't even want to list the disadvantages...

Happy Anniversary Gizmo & Gadget Jimenez

Well, their official anniversary is September 13, but I forgot to give them their presents so we celebrated tonight.
Their presents you may ask? Some good ol' wet food.
Guess who ate all of their wet food (and their sister's)?
Gadget of course.
I think Gizmo just likes the "gravy" and she probably has texture issues (like your favorite blogger).
The stuff just looks disgusting.
Now, I'm not so sure giving them it at 1030 at night was such a grande idea. They are almost climbing the walls.
They have been moving furniture and I just turned around to find them climbing book shelves. Good thing I'm not sleepy.

A little more than a year ago, Roger and I almost adopted a dog.
We have a fenced in yard and a big enough house for a dog but after we really thought about it, we weren't ready for a dog.
A dog is a lot of responsiblity. You must go home at night or someone must let the dog out to potty. Roger and I were both just too busy for a dog.

So we ventured into the "cat room" at the humane society.
I decided I wanted another tortie. I love torties. I think they are just so beautiful.
We had seen one on their website but by the time we arrived she had been adopted.
However.
There were lots of other kitties begging to be taken home.
Of course, I found a tortie - Gizmo.

Gizmo was in a cage with two other kitties (her sisters they told us). They brought all three of them out for us to see. Gizmo was the quietest. She was very beautiful but not very playful. But she was purring so loud when we petted her that she won our hearts immediately.
Right after falling in love with Gizmo, we started noticing one of her sisters - then known as Spektor (now known as Gadget). She was very playful.

Then it happened...
The volunteer starts asking us questions.
"How many hours a day are you away from home?"
"8-10 per day"
"Do you go out of town often?"
"We go to Miami now & then"
"Ya know, you should really get more than one so they can keep each other company and play together"
Roger says "Yeah, you are right. Dear, we should get two"
What! The non-pet, especially non-cat guy, wants MORE than one? What did you do with my dear?
So I'm convinced as I like both kittens equally. I go to fill out the paperwork and guess what.
Roger stays with the kittens to make sure no one else takes them.
We bring them home a few days later and Roger keeps referring to them as "your cats" as in me. Of course, I remind them they are "our" cats.

A few months pass and one night I'm laying in bed waiting for Roger to come.
To my great surprise, I hear right outside the bedroom door:
"Good night kitties. Have sweet dreams!"
Man o man, he had fallen in love with the kittens.

Dear, the kitties miss you.
Your huntress is looking for more lizards (please don't give her more). She checks all the windows all day long.
And your Gizmo is sitting next to the couch right next to where you used to watch TV.
I think I caught her looking for you the other night. She searched the whole house.
They don't fight as much to go upstairs. I guess they know you aren't here to work out with them.
They are taking care of me though. And I'm so glad I got to share all the fun kitten moments with you.

Miss you dear.

"I want KFC"

Roger loved him some KFC. He could probably eat there everyday.
However.
Me, not so much.
As many of you have learned, I don't eat meat on the bone.
Just never been a fan. I think it is from growing up and being forced to eat drumsticks which I hate dark meat.
Also, if I was privledged enough to get chicken breast, I had to eat the whole thing.
Yuck! The texture...
Just the thought of it makes me gag.
Seriously.

Now as a child, I did go to KFC with my grandparents after church sometimes and I'd just fill up on their mash potatoes & gravy and/or biscuits and unfortunately some forced down chicken.
Now the mash potatoes, gravy, and biscuits those I love. But not enough to frequent KFC.
I don't eat most fast food so this is not a huge surprise to most.

Roger as a child had KFC as a treat however (per Grace). So as an adult, when he first moved into his Oviedo house, he had KFC all the time. It was just so convenient to his house. And as a single guy, I'm sure it was really nice to have a meal.

However, we didn't go much as a couple.
There were two times however that we did go.

Time #1.
We had gone to the beach and spent most of the day at the beach.
As many of you know, after being in the ocean and sun, you are most likely starving.
So we were on our way home trying to find somewhere we could eat looking like beach bums.
As we are driving, I start naming off the restaurants I will eat at if we stop there.
"Wendy's... Chili's... Outback... KFC"
"Did you say KFC?"
"Yeah"

"Great, let's eat at KFC!!"

Time #2.
In May, I had all four wisdom teeth removed. The surgery went pretty well and on the day after the surgery I was still eating soft foods.
It was a Friday night and I was getting sick of not eating something semi-real.
So being the lovely wife that I was, I say:
"Hey, ya wanna go to KFC?"
"KFC?!?"
"Yes, KFC. I want their mash potatoes & gravy."
Dudes, I've never seen this boy get ready so fast to leave this house.

Now as I pass by on my way home, I keep giggling. Man, he loved KFC.

Lessons learned

In my job, we always give lessons learned. Either for sucker who has to do our job next or for other people doing our jobs across the country or pond (Holly-make sure you tell your mom this is aka the Atlantic ocean ;D).

So in honor of that tradition, I thought I'd give some lessons learned about this "experience"

1. Get life insurance. Not just the crap they give you at work but real life insurance. Get way more than you think you'll need.

2. Get the short term disability your work offers and get it at 100%. Its pretty useful and most of the time you can even use it for baby leave.

3. Get uninsured motorist coverage also can be used for under-insured motorist. There are people out there driving with crappy insurance and guess what they might just hit you. And guess what, they suck.

4. Talk about what you want out of a funeral. No one wants to think about what songs to be played or can even think about songs at this point.

5. Talk about what you want to do if you are severely injured and in a coma (and there are various stages of this). Its too hard of a decision to make as you are standing at the bedside.

6. Get a will. Even if its simple, its better than nothing. Especially if you aren't married yet. Get it signed too. A word document isn't worth much nor is an email.

7. Make sure your beneficiaries are up-to-date.

8. Make sure your emergency contacts are up-to-date. Like don't give people your home number if you don't ever use it.

9. Create a list of all your accounts like IRAs, 401Ks, checking, savings, titles of houses or cars, life insurances, reoccuring debits, car insurance, homeowners insurance, etc. Pretty much anything you can think of. Thank you Roger for making this list. I wish you would have kept it up.

10. Make sure someone knows where all the above are located. Don't make people search for this crap. It takes a lot of time.

11. Buy your survivors an accordion file to keep it all in when they have to start sorting through your stuff. This is the way I keep my sanity right now. Its the only thing I can control right now.

12. If you don't want anyone ever to read it or see it, then either throw it away or label it for a particular person. I can't believe how much Buffy stuff I've found.

The "Dear" story

Roger and I always called each other "dear."
We did that cute name instead of things like "babe" or "honey" or what have you.
And I guess a lot of people noticed it.

It started when we first started dating. Roger would say "yes dear" to things.
Of course, his argument was it was positive since he was saying "yes" and "dear" was a nice term of endearment.
And he would use various tones of voice to make "yes dear" mean many different things.

Well, I started making fun of him for saying this.
And Roger said "You better be careful. I bet you start saying it within two months"
Then...
Fast forward about 2 weeks (yes weeks not months) and it was stuck.

We would both say it to each other and for everything.
Then of course, it got shortened to just "dear"
And then of course, it was used even more.
It got to the point, where I rarely called him "Roger" when talking to him. It was always "dear" this and "dear" that.
We would be in a store and instead of yelling for "Roger", I called for "dear."
We used it at home even.
In birthday cards, in front of family, in front of friends, on the phone, everywhere.
The word had no limits.

Its a very useful term though I have to admit. Roger was right (like usual). It could be used in many settings and with a flip of the tone of voice it could go from "I love you" to "I'm annoyed with you."

I love you dear.
I miss you dear.

16 months or or 6 days or 1 hour

It still amazes me that it took 18 months to plan our perfect wedding.
And it was absolutely perfect.
It was exactly the way I wanted it to be and we both had so much fun.
We both had smiles from ear to ear.

I remember leaving the reception on our way to 7-11 for some gatorade and both of us were just so amazed at the day.
We were so glad that it was over but we had an amazing time.
It was the best day ever.

More amazing is that in a split second that perfect day became just a memory.
A split second and one guy's cheap ass who didn't buy new tires for his SUV.
It still makes me very angry that he could afford to drive a SUV from Geneva to Orlando every day (approx 33 miles) but he couldn't afford new tires.
A split second for me to go from happy wife to widow.

It took 6 days for us to know Roger's fate. Six very long days. I woke up early and stayed up late. I slept very little and not very well.

It took us one hour to plan his funeral. At the same church as our wedding, it took only took an hour.

Oh my do I miss him

It is just unbelievable how much I miss him. It's been 3 weeks since the accident.
Three weeks since we held hands.
Three weeks since I felt his hand grab my leg in the car.
Three weeks since we kissed.
Three weeks since we have talked.
Three weeks since I've been able to grab him and hug him.

It just hurts so badly not to be able to do these things.
My heart just aches.
There is this huge void.
There is nothing I can do.
Nothing to bring him back.
Nothing to go back in time.
Just nothing.

Tonight eating dinner with friends I thought about how much Roger would just have loved to be there. How much he would have enjoyed the stories and just being with everyone. How he would have loved to get some ice cream.
How much he would have just adored that his cousin Freddie was up to visit.

And for the last three years when I had days like this, who would I run to... Roger.
And now although my friends are fabulous, there is no one to hold me close and tell me it will all be okay.
How can this be?
How the hell can this be?

Man o man, could this boy nap

This morning as I was waking up, I started thinking about how much Roger loved to nap. He was a leo per astrology terms and I swear he could nap like a cat.

Myself, I can nap only on the days where I don't have to get up early the next day or by 3pm. After 3pm, naps are not allowed.

Roger, however, could nap for hours and hours and then go to bed like normal.
I was jealous.
I was super jealous.

The funny part though was trying to wake him up.
His cousins can tell you many stories about Roger and his waking up but I'll just tell you mine.
I know several of you have heard this story but it is a good one for repeating.

So the first time I tried to wake Roger up from a nap was when we had only been dating for a short time and I was at his house hanging out. He was part of a running club at the time to help him with his shin splints.
After work, he wanted to take a nap before the running club.
Okay. Not a big deal.
His running club was at like 6pm so at like 515pm I go into try to wake him up so he will be on time.
I walk into his bedroom.
His eyes are huge.
He starts to look like he is going to stand up in his bed.
He says "You better get out of here" (think Incredible Hulk here)
"You better just get out of here"
It looks like he is going to try to kick me or something.
I leave the room.
I then go into the family room and try calling him on his cell phone.
A very sleepy Roger on the other end of the line is like "Hello?"
"Dear, if you want to go running, you need to wake up now"
"Why are you calling me from the other room?"
"Cause I'm afraid of you"
"What?!?"
"Looked like you were going to kick me."
"When?"
"Just now, when I was in there."
"You were in here?"
"Yes! Don't you remember?"
"Nope."

This happened another time as well and I asked Roger if it looked like me and sounded like me why he was going to attack me.
His explanation... I was an alien impersonating me and me the alien was trying to trick him.
Okay dear.
I think you watched too many cartoons.

By the way, I tried watching one of your cartoons that was still on the DVR yesterday. Not so entertaining... But I still love you anyway. Me, myself, and my alien impersonator.

Roger's heart goes on

I know several people have asked if I'd got the info from the organ donation people.
Well, today I did.
Roger will definitely live to be 200 like he always said and he is truly a superhero like he always wanted.

His right kidney went to a 50 year old mother of two. Married and loves to go camping. Roger loves doing stuff outside so I think he'll like it with her.

His left kidney went to a 43 year old mother of one. She enjoys her family and participating in church. Roger has a huge family so that shouldn't be abnormal for him.

His liver went to a 32 year old guy from Georgia. He enjoys hunting, fishing, and shooting. Now, I'm not sure about the hunting and shooting but I know Roger liked to fish so that should be a good match for him.

His heart valves will also be used for 2 people. I don't have info about them as it will be a few months until those can be transplanted.

So a total of five that Roger saved.
That's good news for the day.

I've been a little weepy this afternoon so this cheers me up.
I realized this afternoon that my iPod is still in the car. Roger gave this to me for Christmas and for some reason I just started crying when I realized it was missing.
I frantically called the insurance people who connected me to where the car is so they will look for it.
I'll know on Monday whether they have it or not.
I'm praying they find it. I know it seems like a childish and greedy thing to miss but I want to keep everything he gave me. And not to have it just breaks my heart.
Please let them find it.

Living with Roger

Last night some of the "Power Rangers" (long story) came over and we were suppose to eat Wes' amazing salsa, eat pizza, try Lisa's Mexican cookies, and watch some funny movie. Well, the first three things happen but we never got to the movie. I guess that happens when you get five women together and we just keep talking. It was great just chatting with them and crying a little but also laughing a lot. I love these ladies. I seriously do not know how I'd be going through all this without them and our many other friends. I love you all. You all keep me lifted up.

My dear friend Vanessa will be getting married in 30 some days and she and her to be hubby have never lived together or with anyone for that matter. We started "warning" her of all the fun things she'll get to endure living with someone and much more living with a BOY! The whole conversation made me think of the first few months Roger and I cohabitated.

First of all, there was the dishwasher.
When I would visit Roger on the weekends, the same dishes that I put in the dishwasher the Sunday before, would still be in the dishwasher. See, Roger's thought was "why empty it and put them away if I'm just going to use them again?" So I'd come over and empty what was left and reload it with basically the same things over and over again.

After we were engaged and I moved in, we had to come up with new dishwasher rules.
1. You can't just pull things out of the dishwasher and not unload the dishwasher more than once.
2. We must take turns emptying and loading the dishwasher.
3. If the little green light is not on, then the dishes are dirty.
Roger was getting good at the dishwasher.
And those little things made me a happy wife.

Also, right after I moved in, Roger wanted to upgrade to a king size bed. At first I said "no, I don't want to be so far from you when sleeping." Well, shortly after sleeping with him every night, I had the greatest idea ever.
"Hey, let's get a king size bed!"
Roger agrues that it was his idea first.
Yeah right. It was totally my idea.

We decided to wait to after the wedding and it was one of our first purchases as husband and wife. Roger was really funny about it cause I wanted the same bed the Sheraton hotel's use. See, I traveled for two years and loved loved loved their beds. It was just an amazing bed.

So Roger being the man of the house started googling to see what kind of mattress it was in real life since the ones directly from Sheraton were really expensive. He finds out they are the Sealy Posturepedic mattresses. He also finds out that Mattress Giant is having a huge sale for their mattresses that are at the end of their season.
Side note: Did you know that mattresses actually have "seasons"? I guess they change the fabric on them or the stitching style so suddenly its the hottest trend to have this season's mattress.
Whatever.

We bring home our new bed and of course we buy some new linens. I was so excited about sleeping on this bed. And this bed is so so comfy. I love this bed. I sleep so amazingly well (most of the time) on it. It's the type of bed you can stay in all night and day and it won't hurt your back.

However.
This does not solve our bed space issue. I still find myself running out of space on the bed.
AND Roger keeps putting his cold cold feet on me when we first go to bed.
How can this be?
This bed is huge!
So we talk about where the "line" is of my side versus his side. And he agrues with me that he is on his side.
Yes, maybe he is on his side but he is laying on the line of his side/my side.

Now, don't get me wrong. I loved sleeping with my husband.
I loved to cuddle with him.
But, only when I first was going to sleep.
After our cuddle time, I wanted to go back to my side and go to sleep.
And I wanted to spread out some.
But I would keep running into those cold feet of his.
We never solved this agrument.

However.
After the accident, for about two weeks I didn't sleep alone. First Holly slept with me and then Cecilia then Holly again.
And guess what.
Never ever not even once did I run into them.
Not once.
So... mystery solved. He wasn't sleeping on his side.

Now I'm back to having my hugola bed.
And his side is empty.
His million and one pillows are arranged nicely.
And I can't feel his cold feet.
I miss his cold feet.

Random memory

Okay so two posts in one day... whoa.

People, I wish I could make money writing a blog everyday.

I had two random memories today as I was coming home from the very lovely tag office (btw, I love you Roger that you had requested a duplicate title a while ago so I didn't have to pay anything).

First one.
Roger gave me a hard time one day for the way I was greeting the cats when I got home. But who wouldn't. Gizmo would meet me in the laundry room and Gadget would be perched on the coffee table so I could give her a petting.
So I tell him, well if you met me at the door like they do, then I'd treat you the same.
Next day, I come home and as I round the laundry room into the family room. There is Roger sitting on a stool all bright eyed to meet me.
It was so adorable. So of course, I start giggling and give him a pet on the head and a kiss.
What a great hubby. I miss our silliness together.

Second one.
Roger loved working out. He would have done it every night if I let him.
But since I did enjoy spending loads of time with him, he only worked out 3-4 nights a week and once or twice a month on the weekends.
But the boy would sweat. Not just under his arms and be a little damp.
No, this boy would be soaked. His shirt, his workout pants, his boxers, everything.
He would immediately go shower but would put his wet wet clothes in the hamper.
Okay. Not good.
So I asked my dear hubby to please put his wet clothing in the laundry basket in the laundry room in a manner so it could dry first.
Now, this laundry room area is right as you enter the house from the garage.
So what does my lovely husband do.
Strip.
As soon as the garage door would close, he'd just strip and then come into the family room completely naked.
Yes, completely naked.
And as men never grow old, he'd shake his ass and other body parts for me to see.
Again, I miss our silliness
(Sorry Grace, I know you didn't want to know that detail about your little brother :D)

Can I tell you just how hard it is to speak about my lovely, very silly husband in past tense. Man, I hate that part.

Less than 3 weeks

For those who have known me for a while, you know how much I love my birthday and how I usually have a huge countdown starting September first (my birthday is Oct 1). Well, yesterday I realized it was 3 weeks away. Twenty days today. But I'm so not sure how I want to celebrate it. So for my birthday I think I want to go to the beach. My birthday is on a Wednesday so I'm not sure how many other people can go but maybe a few people can go.

It is also 18 days till Roger and my 3 year anniversary of meeting. Two weeks since he passed away. Still unbelievable that he isn't coming home. I still keep thinking he is on some trip somewhere. Why doesn't my mind let me grasp this? I was there. I saw it happen. I guess its just hard to believe someone full of life and so young is gone.

Roger and his pranks strike again.
Backstory: The week of the accident a lizard crawled in between the screen and the window in our family room. So Roger being the man cause this is definitely a man job went outside and got the poor lizard out so my cats would stop trying to scratch through the window.

Yesterday, poor Gadget was obsessed with this window. She was at it again trying to scratch through the glass to get at something. I was in the other room but came over and didn't see anything. I even went outside and again found nothing. For the rest of the day, Gadget just sat at the window and kept going back to it in the event something else got her attention for a few minutes.

This morning, she's at it again. She was trying all kinds of methods of trying to climb the glass. I even caught her almost doing a pull up by stretching up the glass.
Then I see what she is after.
Another lizard.
Please dear God do not let it be stuck in between the window and screen.
I walk outside. Yep, its in between.
So I study screen from the outside trying to figure out how in the world Roger got the thing out last time. I don't see a way.
I go back inside.
Okay. I'll open the window and try to get it that way.
Nope. The silly thing just gets out of reach.
Oh, I have a good idea. My windows are the kind that open toward you so you can clean the outside of them (yeah, like thats ever going to happen). I'll open the window and take a cup to scoop up this little guy.
I put the cats into the guest bath so they won't try to help me catch the lizard.
Window open, cup in hand, and the little guy jumps onto the back of the couch.
Oh my God. I scream. Then I started screaming at Roger. This is not funny. Not funny at all. In my head I hear, "I'm HILARIOUS" as Roger would always say when I'd accuse him of not being funny.
I move the couch partially out from the wall. Take my handy cup and try to get him. He runs to the other side of the couch.
Ugh. I scream again.
Gadget is wanting so badly to help me, she just keeps meowing. My non-vocal cat is wanting out so she can get this lizard.
I move the rest of the couch and again chase him with the cup.
He jumps to the floor.
So I have a great idea. I'll open the door to the patio and chase him out.
Stupid thing. He decides to run under the door to the bathroom where the CATS are.
Stupid stupid lizard. I open the door and Gizmo still has no idea what is going on. Gadget of course sees him and paws him. I push her away and then pray they don't run outside.
Still chasing the thing with the cup and he runs near the guest room but doesn't go inside. I guess carpet feels weird.
Then back to the bathroom AGAIN.
Don't go in there you lizard. You'll die.
I open the door and he runs back toward the guest room. Onto the carpet he runs.
Finally, either he is tired or freaked from the carpet and I'm able to scoop him into the cup.
Roger, this was not funny no matter how hard I was laughing.

Poor Gadget is still going to the window looking for her lunch.
He's not there kitty.
Dear, if you want to play with the cats, please do not use lizards.
Its just not funny.

Lawyers Schmayers

So I spoke to the second lawyer today. Basically they both have said the same thing. They don't think I'm going to get any more money that what the Progressive is offering me now. I'm not the type that is sue happy. Now I could go after him and try to get his house and anything else he maybe have but why? In Florida, its hard to get money from people anyway unless you are stinky rich. And think of how long that will take! I don't feel like ripping this guy out of his house and home. I will be fine financially but I am worried about the medical bills. I'm just praying Roger's health insurance picks up the difference.

I did get a nice letter from the state about how they are investigating the "traffic homicide" case. I'm sure he got a nice letter from them too. It will take 60 - 90 days to complete the investigation.

The other driver is also the guy that will have to live with the guilt that he killed a healthy young man with many talents and hobbies ("handsome, charming, suave and debonair" per Roger) leaving behind a young wife. He will have to wake up each morning knowing how he did this to me. How he did this to a mother. A sister. Cousins. And many many friends (despite Roger's insisting he wasn't social). I know he must be feeling extremely guilty. Who wouldn't.

Today I made the semi-mistake of turning on the radio. Eventually driving without the radio on, just gets boring. So flipping through radio stations like normal times and there it is. The song we both just loved - Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. When I heard the song today though, it made me pretty close to hysterical. In the song, it describes our relationship pretty perfectly. We both were the type of people that didn't say "I love you" all the time. I have always felt it starts to loose its meaning if said too much. And Roger felt the same way. When it would come on the radio, I would try harmonizing with it and we both just knew it was us. We almost used it as our wedding song but just could not figure out how to dance to it. My favorite new lines are "All that I am, All that I ever was, Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see, I don't know where, Confused about how as well, Just know that these things will never change for us at all"
It completely describes how I am feeling right now. I feel a part of me is missing. And it was in him. But I also know things will always be the same for us. I'll always treasure him and never forget him or hate him. Although I am pissed that I'm having to do the trash and the recycling.

Here are the lyrics:
We'll do it all
Everything On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Funny story time. Yesterday I was complaining about not feeling Roger's spirit with me like I had in the past with my grandmothers who had passed. Well, as I was getting out of my car to come in from the garage, my bra just snapped open. This is a front closure bra and the bra was not broken, just opened. Pervert!

Another funny story. I always used to give Roger a hard time that he was older than me and he'd always be older than me. Now guess who is laughing... I guess for at least the next six years he will be older than me. But after that, damn it.

Last note, Roger, where ever you may be, you are still not allowed to look at how much I weigh when I'm on the scale.

"unmarried female age 27"

Wow... That's a ton of bricks to swallow. That is what is now listed on my auto insurance. Two weeks and half weeks ago I was thinking how great being married was. People would ask "how is married life?" and I'd go on and on talking about how with Roger I was finally feeling secure. I had stability in my life. How for the first time in my life I had someone I could count on 110% of the time. It was like being part of the greatest team ever.

Roger was a great husband. He always kissed me hello when he got home from work (I made him do a 3 kiss per day quota ;P). We would walk to the mailbox together and he would jokingly hand me all the bills and he'd save all the cool stuff. Since he worked from home a couple days a week, he'd go to the grocery store for me. Or if I was feeling particularly annoyed at going he'd meet me there. Just so we could do it together. I loved driving in the car with him. We would just chit chat or have some serious discussion about this or that. The day of the accident we were just chit chatting. The music was really low and we were just joking with each other like always.

Recently he was getting excited cause we were getting magazines for Halloween decor. Roger loved Halloween. He was even more excited to see a Halloween store opening soon on 436. He was talking about being the Greatest American Hero and I was going to be Wonder Woman.

I went to his office today and saw his cube for the first time. And guess what? More Buffy stuff. His obsession is worse than I thought :D

I talked with his coworkers for a little while and they told me some more funny stories. They also told me how he helped out the receptionist with boxes and such if he was looking for a new router. Everyone just loved how he was a genuinely nice guy. They also laughed about Roger being a "reverend" and how they wish they would have known. They would have razzed him about it.

Several people have talked about how I made Roger happy. And showed him true love. I guess some people never find true love. People keep saying "some live their whole lives and never know true love" and several upon several people have said this to me. However, although I'm super happy to have provided that to Roger, what about me? If true love is rare and I had it with Roger, what are my chances of finding it again? I don't think these people realize what they are saying. But its kinda disturbing. I'm 27 (unmarried female age 27 to be exact) and I don't want to think that was my one opportunity. There is already the high divorce rate. Or even the people who stay together for whatever reason but are not "happily married."

That the thing that pisses me off the most about the whole situation. Roger and I were happy. We were extremely happy. We had big plans and small plans and just tons of things to do together. And then I see tons of couples out there that aren't like us. Why us?!?

With all the contraptions, wires, and other weird techy things in Roger's office, where did he put the time machine...

And life makes a 180

So I started this blog to talk about my life as a married woman. Now that I'm suddenly sitting here debating which finger to put my wedding ring on, I'm a widow. Twenty-seven years old and a widow.

Most of you know the details but if not just look at my google page.

I miss my husband terribly. He was such a great man and husband. Some of you didn't even think I'd get married but Roger made it possible. He was an amazing person who took care of himself and took care of me.

Well I will try to post more on this blog so those of you who know me and what to check in on me can.

First, today was very interesting. Slightly horrifying, slighly amusing. I call to see if the death certificates are ready. It seems like everyone and their mother need to see it. The funeral home assistant says she has them. So since I need to practice to drive again I figure I'll go over and get them then head to Target for some toiletries.

I arrive at the place all in one piece. I review the death certificate which is just hard to see it there on paper. The assistant then informs me she has Roger ready for me to pick up.
Okay... Not mentally prepared for this but okay.
But there's a problem - he doesn't fit in the urn I picked out.
Okay... So she asks what I want to do with them.
Ummm, I dunno.
What do people normally do in this circumstance?
Doesn't normally happen... More great.
She says she can give me the plastic bag with the extras? And the director will be back shortly and he can try to shove Roger in.
Hmm... no to the plastic bag and no to the shoving him in.
She says that I can try picking out a box for him.
So I go to the urn picking out room.
Funeral director finally shows up and has a solution. He will place the urn in a nice velvet bag and put the plastic bag next to it inside the velvet bag.
Okay. This is acceptable.

Now... how am I suppose to transport Roger home? And please please please dear God do not let him spill in the car. Good ol' seat belt then. I strapped him in and lowered the seat belt to the lowest possible setting. I pulled it as tight as I could. Off to Target I go.

At Target, I start to think about what if someone breaks into my car with the nice velvet bag sitting on the seat. I double check the locks. Roger is secure. But hey, what about storage condition? And I kinda feel bad leaving him in the hot car. I quickly get my errands at Target and then drive home.

I placed Roger in his meditation area. At least until I can figure out where I want to put him. And yes curiosity got the better of me. I looked at the plastic bag. Interesting stuff.

Now tonight, I'm still not sleepy. And so I watch Scoobie's slide show. Gosh, it was probably too soon. I miss him so so so much. I love seeing us together. We were so happy. Holly reminds me how we were each other's "dear" and how I miss hearing that.

Dear, I miss you. I so wish you could come home now. I want to talk to you. I want to be silly with you. My favorite part of us is the silliness. I love you. I love you more than cereal.