The twenty-second of February

Seven months ago was the night before my wedding.
I had lists everywhere.
A list of things to do that day. A list of things to take to the hotel. A list of things to give to Ashlie. A list of things for Roger to do. A list of things going to the church. A list of things going to the reception.
I spent the morning getting my toes painted blue.
Yes blue.
I had my hands painted with a French manicure.
I spent time with most of my bridesmaids as well as my cousin and mother.
My heart was nervous.
My heart was a little scared.
I was about to get married.
It was the day before the day I had been planning for sixteen months.
The plans were starting to set into motion.
Roger seemed cool and calm as usual.

One month ago, my plans went to hell.
My heart was heavy.
My heart was nervous.
My heart was scared.
The morning had started as any other day of a big trip.
We got up early at about 4:30am.
Roger showered as I got the last minute things together.
I fed the cats and made sure the litter boxes were prestine.
We didn't put the suitcases out yet so Gizmo wouldn't know we were leaving her.
We spelled out "packing" like she could understand the word.
Roger got out of the shower and said, "I must love you. I just got up at 4:30 am, showered, and shaved upwards."
This is the last thing I remember him saying to me.
We finished p-a-c-k-i-n-g.
We rolled our suitcases out and turned out all the lights.
It's not raining for once. It had been raining all week.
We got to the garage and I remembered how I had forgot the love letters we had written in February 2007 to be opened the next day.
"Crap, I forgot the love letters. Oh well, we'll do them on Monday"
It begins to rain again.
Roger and I are chatting in the car like usual.
I was excited about this trip. I was excited for Roger to meet my old friends and to meet my grandfather.
We were going to go tubing down the New River on Sunday.
I check the clock. It's 5:28am. Our flight leaves at 7:00am. I think we are okay on time.
My mind sees a silver SUV coming straight towards us.
This does not make sense. We are on a highway, why is this car here.
The next thing I remember is jumping out of the car.
I only have one shoe on I realize later.
I am screaming at Roger. "Dear, get out of the car. Roger, please. Get out of the car. Please get out of the car. Roger!!"
I touch his face. He is bleeding.
I am pulled away from the car and sat on the grass.
The other driver is just walking around.
I'm screaming for my husband. "Someone please tell me what is going on! Please. Is he breathing? Does he have a pulse"
My heart is breaking.
My heart knows something isn't right.
It's raining.

Today is the one month anniversary of the accident.
So close it seems. It seems like only two weeks ago, not a month.
It's raining again.
My heart is heavy.
My heart is sore.
My heart is broken.

I started grief counseling today. I'm really glad for it. I feel like I can be sad there. I can cry. I can not cry. I don't have to be strong there. I can say whatever I want. There is no judgement.

Today I also threw a temper tantrum in Macy's. I am not proud. They wouldn't let me return the humongo Crock Pot. I registered for the wrong one. And now I def do not need the super large one. The first lady wouldn't let me return it without the box. I started crying.
They gave me a gift card since they didn't have the one I wanted.

My doctor warned me there would be lots of anniversaries. There is just no way for me to prepare for them...
Ugh.