Monday, September 22, 2008

The twenty-second of February

Seven months ago was the night before my wedding.
I had lists everywhere.
A list of things to do that day. A list of things to take to the hotel. A list of things to give to Ashlie. A list of things for Roger to do. A list of things going to the church. A list of things going to the reception.
I spent the morning getting my toes painted blue.
Yes blue.
I had my hands painted with a French manicure.
I spent time with most of my bridesmaids as well as my cousin and mother.
My heart was nervous.
My heart was a little scared.
I was about to get married.
It was the day before the day I had been planning for sixteen months.
The plans were starting to set into motion.
Roger seemed cool and calm as usual.

One month ago, my plans went to hell.
My heart was heavy.
My heart was nervous.
My heart was scared.
The morning had started as any other day of a big trip.
We got up early at about 4:30am.
Roger showered as I got the last minute things together.
I fed the cats and made sure the litter boxes were prestine.
We didn't put the suitcases out yet so Gizmo wouldn't know we were leaving her.
We spelled out "packing" like she could understand the word.
Roger got out of the shower and said, "I must love you. I just got up at 4:30 am, showered, and shaved upwards."
This is the last thing I remember him saying to me.
We finished p-a-c-k-i-n-g.
We rolled our suitcases out and turned out all the lights.
It's not raining for once. It had been raining all week.
We got to the garage and I remembered how I had forgot the love letters we had written in February 2007 to be opened the next day.
"Crap, I forgot the love letters. Oh well, we'll do them on Monday"
It begins to rain again.
Roger and I are chatting in the car like usual.
I was excited about this trip. I was excited for Roger to meet my old friends and to meet my grandfather.
We were going to go tubing down the New River on Sunday.
I check the clock. It's 5:28am. Our flight leaves at 7:00am. I think we are okay on time.
My mind sees a silver SUV coming straight towards us.
This does not make sense. We are on a highway, why is this car here.
The next thing I remember is jumping out of the car.
I only have one shoe on I realize later.
I am screaming at Roger. "Dear, get out of the car. Roger, please. Get out of the car. Please get out of the car. Roger!!"
I touch his face. He is bleeding.
I am pulled away from the car and sat on the grass.
The other driver is just walking around.
I'm screaming for my husband. "Someone please tell me what is going on! Please. Is he breathing? Does he have a pulse"
My heart is breaking.
My heart knows something isn't right.
It's raining.

Today is the one month anniversary of the accident.
So close it seems. It seems like only two weeks ago, not a month.
It's raining again.
My heart is heavy.
My heart is sore.
My heart is broken.

I started grief counseling today. I'm really glad for it. I feel like I can be sad there. I can cry. I can not cry. I don't have to be strong there. I can say whatever I want. There is no judgement.

Today I also threw a temper tantrum in Macy's. I am not proud. They wouldn't let me return the humongo Crock Pot. I registered for the wrong one. And now I def do not need the super large one. The first lady wouldn't let me return it without the box. I started crying.
They gave me a gift card since they didn't have the one I wanted.

My doctor warned me there would be lots of anniversaries. There is just no way for me to prepare for them...


Robyn said...

oh star...this breaks my heart. but please know you are ALLOWED to cry and be don't have to be strong ALL the time. you are human. you have been through the worst thing in the world. i am so glad to hear you're doing grief counseling. it will help. you're amazing.

LisaCJacks said...

:( I'm so sorry today is the anniversary of such a horrible day.
But I am glad that you are starting your counseling. Just know that it's okay to cry and be sad. Your friends are here to help in any way.

Teri said...

I really enjoyed this entry, Star. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

I know you get a lot of positive reinforcement for being "strong" (as in Star, you're doing so well! you're amazing!) but please please don't think that that means expressing the other side means that you're any less strong. I am very glad you share that part with us too.

Kitty Bear said...

Your comment about your blue-painted toes made me grin :) I'll be getting mine done orange and navy(Auburn colors!) before my wedding...

I'll think of you when every other toe is painted blue..right before the orange goes on :)

Joanne said...

Hi, Star. I'm sending you my love. I know your heart hurts.

I hope that you get some relief from the counseling.

You're always in my thoughts and I'll always be here for you.

Vanessa :) said...

This entry touched my heart. I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through, but know I'm here.
You're allowed to cry, you're allowed to throw tantrums, you're allowed to be upset and confused.
As always, I will continue to pray for you and keep you in my thoughts.
Love- Your Little Sis.

Jaime said...


I have been following your blog since I knew about it on the CFL knot board. I have also felt the loss of someone close to me due to a horrific accident. It was my brother so I can only begin to imagine how it feels to lose a husband.

Please know that in no means does anyone that is following this blog expect you to be strong. Go at your own pace sweetie. It takes time, lots of time. Counseling will help you. Yes, there will be many anniversaries and at times it is going to feel like you've hit rock bottom and that is ok. You do what you got to do. Take it one day or hour, minute, second at a time.

I truly enjoy reading your blog; you make me both cry and laugh. I believe that it is a good way to get your feelings out. I know Roger is looking down on you and is so proud of you regardless of what you are feeling that day.

Jaime (aka butterfly3048)

Candise H said...

Oh Star, this blog is so touching, so unbelievable, so....I dont have the words!

Star you are a very strong woman, always have been and always will be, no matter what. Strong women cry, strong women get mad, strong women have down times. Im really glad you taking this grieving class also, that is just wonderful. I hope that goes really well for you! Overall you are amazing! Im still waiting on your book!!

By the way what ever happened to the ipod?

Katie said...

Thank you for sharing your experience. As Teri said... you don't always have to be strong. It's ok to cry and feel whatever way you want to feel. You are human, and we all have emotions.

I'm so glad you've decided to go to counseling--I hope it helps you through these trying times.