Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Happy Anniversary

My (yes "My") seven month wedding anniversary is today.
It was greeted by:
"Crap, its 8:53am and I need to be at the Social Security office at 9:35am"
I arrived at the Social Security office at 9:32am thanks in part to Mr. Scott
(Thank you so much for helping me)
My lovely self forgot to actually turn the alarm on even though I set it for the correct time.
I didn't even take drugs last night.
Yes and it took forever and a day to actually fall asleep.

Then it happened...
I cried for the second time at the Social Security office.
"Marriage ended by death on 8/28/2008"
I know I said the vows "Death do us part" but today it was for real.
Death did end our marriage.
Death did part us.
It just feels like I didn't have a choice in the matter.
People who get divorced have a choice.
I hate not having choices.
I loved being married.

I keep remembering the picture of us lighting our unity candle.
The symbol of us becoming one.
Am I half now?
Every day I debate putting it upstairs in the closet with the rest of the "wedding" related memorblia.
Right now it haunts me but yet it comforts me to see the candles unlit sitting in the cute niche that made us buy this house. "This niche is perfect for your wedding picture."

I also learned last week that per the IRS terms I was never married.
Unless of course I get married between now & December 31, 2008 which I do not foresee happening.
It kinda makes me feel like it was just a figment of my imagination.
It was all a dream.

So I sit here on my anniversary.
Gently rubbing Roger's wedding band between my thumb and forefinger.
I love the smoothness of the metal.
It reminds me of the first time holding his hand when he had it on.
It felt so odd to have this metal thing on his finger interlaced with mine.

It wasn't a dream. It was the best time of my life.


Dianne said...

Star... It has been so long since I've seen you, but I want you to know that your blog has touched me. I am so proud of you for doing this blog! Remember when I wanted you to start using your writing abilities back in high school. Yes, it has been awhile! I saw your blog on Faith's site and just wanted to see how you were doing. I can never imagine even close to how you are feeling, but it is good for you to write. You will survive this and it may take a long time, but I think you are doing an amazing job! Roger was blessed to have you as his wife. And your relationship sounds like one that any woman could only dream about. God bless you, Star. I think and pray for you often. Keep writing! You have a gift! I've always known that!
Love you, girl! Dianne G.

Candise H said...

Oh wow what to say after reading something so touching! Star you are such an incrediable person. But you are so right, your beautiful marriage wasn't something you just dreamed about, it was real, 100% real. Screw the IRS, they are foolish anyways! What you did have was every other womans dream marriage, atleast mine!!

.......Im just honestly at a loss of words right now after reading this blog. Im still praying for you! I love you so much and miss you too.

daisy said...

Hi Star just wanted to say that after reading all your blogs they are very touching you are a great person and mean alot to us. we are always praying for you its ok to cry.roger was blessed to share all those moments with you. you are a great person and mean alot to us.

love you,

daisy danie and jayden xoxoxoxoxo