Monday, September 8, 2008

And life makes a 180

So I started this blog to talk about my life as a married woman. Now that I'm suddenly sitting here debating which finger to put my wedding ring on, I'm a widow. Twenty-seven years old and a widow.

Most of you know the details but if not just look at my google page.

I miss my husband terribly. He was such a great man and husband. Some of you didn't even think I'd get married but Roger made it possible. He was an amazing person who took care of himself and took care of me.

Well I will try to post more on this blog so those of you who know me and what to check in on me can.

First, today was very interesting. Slightly horrifying, slighly amusing. I call to see if the death certificates are ready. It seems like everyone and their mother need to see it. The funeral home assistant says she has them. So since I need to practice to drive again I figure I'll go over and get them then head to Target for some toiletries.

I arrive at the place all in one piece. I review the death certificate which is just hard to see it there on paper. The assistant then informs me she has Roger ready for me to pick up.
Okay... Not mentally prepared for this but okay.
But there's a problem - he doesn't fit in the urn I picked out.
Okay... So she asks what I want to do with them.
Ummm, I dunno.
What do people normally do in this circumstance?
Doesn't normally happen... More great.
She says she can give me the plastic bag with the extras? And the director will be back shortly and he can try to shove Roger in.
Hmm... no to the plastic bag and no to the shoving him in.
She says that I can try picking out a box for him.
So I go to the urn picking out room.
Funeral director finally shows up and has a solution. He will place the urn in a nice velvet bag and put the plastic bag next to it inside the velvet bag.
Okay. This is acceptable.

Now... how am I suppose to transport Roger home? And please please please dear God do not let him spill in the car. Good ol' seat belt then. I strapped him in and lowered the seat belt to the lowest possible setting. I pulled it as tight as I could. Off to Target I go.

At Target, I start to think about what if someone breaks into my car with the nice velvet bag sitting on the seat. I double check the locks. Roger is secure. But hey, what about storage condition? And I kinda feel bad leaving him in the hot car. I quickly get my errands at Target and then drive home.

I placed Roger in his meditation area. At least until I can figure out where I want to put him. And yes curiosity got the better of me. I looked at the plastic bag. Interesting stuff.

Now tonight, I'm still not sleepy. And so I watch Scoobie's slide show. Gosh, it was probably too soon. I miss him so so so much. I love seeing us together. We were so happy. Holly reminds me how we were each other's "dear" and how I miss hearing that.

Dear, I miss you. I so wish you could come home now. I want to talk to you. I want to be silly with you. My favorite part of us is the silliness. I love you. I love you more than cereal.


Robyn said...

love you, sweet girl. this warmed my heart to read....prayers are with you! robyn & patrick :)

Candise said...

Oh Star, I have no words to express how this blog makes me feel. So many different emotions at this time! I love you so much, and Im always thinking of you! Please call anytime day or night if you need ANYTHING. I know you aren't sleeping, so if you need just to talk or whatever call me, I really dont care. I would rather stay up all night with you then sleep! My prayers are with you!!!

jess said...

Star, this was so sweet. I am so sorry that you have been dealt this hand in life. You are such a strong woman & I have great admiration for you. My thoughts continue to be with you...

Edlyn said...

Wow Star...I wish I lived in the Orlando area right about now. Thank you for having the strength to type your thoughts on here. I've been thinking about you and am happy to know that I can at least keep in touch with you through this. =) My thoughts and prayers are with you chica! I'll do sleepovers too when you're ready. =)

Anonymous said...

I just want to give you a big hug right now, but distance gets the best of us...know you are in my prayers and thoughts daily. Much love...

lucy said...

star, i wish i could take all the hurt and pain away. i know i cant do that. when you was little i could kiss the boo boo and make it all i watched all the pain and hurt on your face i hurt too. roger was a great husband and man. he took great care of you. i love to hear ya call each other dear. star i will always be here when you need me. here is a hug from me. i love you with all my heart and soul.
love mom

Holly said...

I'm really glad you started this blog. You know I'll be reading this every day along with everyone else who loves you and cares about you.

Yvonne said...

Still thinking and praying for you everyday! (tiki267, CFL knottie)

Katie said...

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. When my aunt had to "pick up" my uncle she did the same thing... seat belted him in! As I read parts of it I had to turn away and look at my other computer screen--I was just getting too choked up. stay strong.

Crash Course Widow said...

The "conversation" you relay here with yourself (and with Roger) reminds me of an almost identical conversation I had with my best friend after Charley's funeral.

Charley was cremated too, before his memorial service/funeral, but he wasn't going to be buried (or interred, or whatever technical term you want to use) til two days later. The funeral director came up to me after the service and asked what I wanted to do with Charley until the burial--if I wanted to take him with me or leave him at the funeral home, where he (errrr...his ashes, I mean) would be stored in a vault. I was holding his urn at that point--cradling it on my hip like a baby, actually--and I turned to my best friend to help me figure out such a bizarre conundrum. And Mell and I went back and forth to each other, using words like he was alive and would care what choice we made--"I don't know; what do you think we should do?" "Well, I mean, where would we put him at home? On the buffet? That might kinda creep people out. And what about at night? What do you do with him when I go to sleep?" "Maybe we should just leave him here in the vault...but that just seems mean somehow leaving him behind when we're all at the house. Won't he get lonely?"--at which point we turned around and realized the funeral director had heard every bizarre word, and had a strange look on his face. Mell and I were slightly horrified, but also horridly amused by the whole thing. In the end, I decided to put him in the vault. I wasn't planning on keeping any ashes (though in hindsight I wish I had) so I guess I decided it seemed strange to take him "out for the day," to take him home and then bring him back.

Definitely right there with you....

The Pifer's said...

I have no words, I stumbled across your page and I am in tears! Stay strong sweetie. Keep up the positivity! I know you don't know me, but just know, I'm praying for you!