Sunday, February 1, 2009

Being Married... hard work.
It is especially hard work when it is to a dead guy.
And even though legally I am no longer married, sometimes I still feel married.

Previously, I have wrote about how hard just the chores are.
I hate taking out the trash.
And now I do not do it every week when we used to do it twice a week.
Now I might get it down every 3-4 times the trash comes.
I always forget until it is really dark outside or it is really late or it is really raining.

Or buying groceries.
My grocery bill has gone from $300 to $50.
Why? Cause I hate going.
I hated it before but I especially hate it now.
And there is no one else to do it.
But there is also no one to really do it for.

Then there are all the decisions to be made about maintaining the houses.
Yes, plural. Houses.
I could easily make these decisions when I had a two bedroom apartment.
But two bedrooms is a lot different than two houses.

What color do I paint this room?
What color do I paint the other house?
Is this a big issue to fix now or can it wait?
Is this price reasonable or am I being taken advantage of?

Then there is the sex and physical affection.
It just sucks when the other person is dead.
It is not the same alone.
And the after sex ritual, yeah, that is non-existent.
There is no snuggling, no kissing, nothing.

Hugs just suck. The cats do not like to be hugged.
No one will just hug me for a few minutes.
Very annoying.

And then, this is the part that is so heavy on my heart right now, communication.
I just cannot get answers to my questions.
I cannot argue with a dead guy.
I cannot scream with a dead guy with the same impact (trust me, I've been screaming lately and no one cares).
I cannot tell him how hurt I am for what he did.

Marriage is just so hard.
I think I liked the first six months of marriage better.
Those months were so much easier than now.

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