Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What if...

Sunday night I had a hard time falling asleep.
Not unusual for me but the reason I was having trouble was a little disturbing.
I was half asleep half awake but I kept thinking about what if...
And not the usual what if he did not die stuff or what if we took a different route that day or what if we did not plan to go on the trip, but different "what if".

Sunday night, my what if was about what if we did not have life insurance.
I started examining and almost worrying what could have happened.
Roger's life insurance was only effective two weeks before the accident.
Two weeks!!
I was so close.
I am "lucky".

I started thinking about what if I did not have that "luxury" and I was suddenly stuck without Roger's salary.
There are hospital bills.
There are funeral bills.
There are two houses to consider.
There are all the normal bills and costs of living.

I could not sleep because I started thinking about how I would have handled that situation.
I certainly would not be in school full time.
And I most likely would not have changed career paths.  
So I would have had to go back to work about now.
What a horrible combination that would have been.  
And what about the mortgage(s)?
Well, I would just have to get a roommate or maybe even two.  

And if I had roommates...
Oh what a ball of wax that would be.
Poor potential roommates having to deal with a grief stricken shell of a person.
And grief stricken shell of a person I am having to deal with roommates.
And what about all his stuff in the bonus room.
That is the ideal room to rent out.
It would have to be gone.
And I would need a lock on the office door.  
I could not have strangers going through my business.  
I would have to lose the guest room too.

It would have worked but oh, it would not have been fun.
Not that it has been fun so far.
But why do I think so much about that?
It did not happen.
The worst outcome did not happen.
I can relax.
I am ok.
I am "lucky."  

What crappy luck though...


Kerline Docteur said...

Star, as a person who worked in HR & Insurance Benefits, I saw many a time where someone was on the other side of the coin. Fortunately, you guys had made some decisions on things that are now affording you the choice to go to school and/or maintain the standard of living you had prior to the accident. Neither of you knew what would happen, however, you loved and respected each other enough to ensure you put certain things in place.

I pray that you have continued strength. Thank you for allowing us into your thoughts and your heart.

Sarah said...

Star, before Paul went to seminary, he worked for New York Life and primarily sold life insurance. He always said that the main reason to buy life insurance is because you love your wife. I am so thankful that this was true in your case as well.