Saturday, February 7, 2009

Wrong Side of the Bed

Roger slept on the left.
I slept on the right.
Usually I had a foot hanging off or gliding on the edge.
I would agrue that Roger actually slept middle-ish left.
Roger would agrue he was always on his side of the bed.
We would argue about who had more room.

Now I have the entire bed.
I have the most room.
Not exactly the price I wanted to pay for it.
Now I sleep a little diagonal.

But not on the right.
I can't bring myself to sleep back on the right.

The night of the accident, Holly and Scott came home with me.
Holly slept in the bed with me because I did not want to sleep alone.
She slept on Roger's side of the bed and I slept on mine.
She continued to sleep there for the next few nights.

Then Cecilia came.
Cecilia slept in bed with me as well.
She also slept on Roger's side of the bed.

After they went back to their lives, I crawled over to Roger's side.
I wanted to be closer to him.
To be where his last night at home was.
To maybe be near where some of his germs are.
[I swear I was my sheets, I just have read a lot about how germs and skin get into the mattress.]

After a while, I remembered, Roger slept middle-ish left.
And more middle if I was making the judgement.
So I moved to the middle.

I sleep in the middle most nights.
Just diagonal.
With my feet on the left side and most of my body in the middle.

I tried to go back to sleeping on the right.
But I can't. Just can't.
It feels to far away from "him."
It feels safe to be middle-left.
So much for even wear.

And because I can't get rid of his zillion pillows even though I only sleep with one, there is a pile on the left and a pile on the right.

And when I get up in the morning, even though my phone is usually on my old side of the bed and I need to disconnect it, I get up on Roger's side of the bed and walk around.

My old side just feels wrong.
I just can not imagine sleeping there.
I just can not imagine getting up from there.
It is the wrong side of the bed.

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

I could NOT sleep on Charley's side of the bed after he died. (I could barely sleep in the bed at all, period, but that's a different issue entirely. For probably the first year or more, I couldn't face going to bed without him there. So I'd play Freecell on my laptop on my couch in the living room until I was so woozy that I'd fall asleep for a few hours. Then I'd wake up around 4-5 am, crawl upstairs and get into bed, and then I could go back to sleep before I had to remember that he was dead and I was always going to be sleeping alone.)

But for me, I couldn't sleep on his side of the bed. It was too weird. Too hard. It was HIS side of the it was farther from the door...harder to hear (as if a whole 3-4 feet would make much of a difference) Anna in her crib when she woke up.

I never once slept on his side. Until I moved. And now I ONLY sleep on his side of the bed.

I always used to sleep on the middle or the right side of the bed, even before male bed buddies came into the equation. I had to lie on my right side, facing to the outer edge of the bed (hence, I had to be on the right side), to feel "right" as I tried to fall asleep. I learned to fall asleep on my left side & facing the middle of the bed when I wanted to sort of cuddle with Charley as we fell asleep (he could NOT sleep while cuddling and didn't particularly like cuddling in bed, so it was really more just curling around his back).

But the right side ALWAYS used to be "my" side when I had to share the bed...when my sister would share a bed with me, when my cats would sleep with me, with boyfriends. Or else I'd sleep in the middle. But now I sleep on the left, my dog on the right.

And now, I think it has more to do with where the door is. As a mom (and since I can choose which side now...curse that absent/dead husband), I just sleep on the side that's closest to the door, and thus my kid.

Don't know why I'm babbling so much in this comment. Must be because I'm having blog withdrawals. I miss writing on my blog (and reading my new friends' blogs) all the time too. =( Stupid full-time jobs....

Hang in there with you anniversary this month....