I love how I'm considered the surviving spouse.
Because right now, I'm barely surviving.
I am so lost.
I am such a mess.
I can barely hold myself together.
It is like having that dream where I am falling.
And I try to kick my legs to wake myself up.
But I am kicking and kicking and I am already awake.
And I am still falling.
Every time I think I can not miss more than I do at this moment, the next I miss him ten times more.
I remember when he first died, I thought something was wrong with me since I was not crying every moment.
I started to doubt my love for him.
But now, I can barely move.
I can barely breathe.
And I know that I loved him so much.
For now, I just want to crawl in a hole for a few months.
Because this is not surviving.
I am barely here.