Sunday, November 23, 2008


I love communicating via IM (Instant Messaging).
In most of my jobs and for years, I have been able to keep in touch with family and friends that way.
And sometimes with the person in the cube right next door.
It's probably one of my favorite inventions ever.
It's quiet, it's private, and it's just pretty easy and fast.
I have loads of people on my contact lists (yes multiple cause I have multiple kinds of IM-AOL, Yahoo, Google, etc) and most people are never deleted.
Amazingly sometimes people come out of the blue on there, so you just never know.

It was one of the first methods Roger and I started communicating in the very beginning of our relationship. I was online, he was online and after I felt like he could be trusted to have my IM name, we talked pretty much every day that way.
Sometimes even at home. Sad but true. But he would be working in the office on a conference call and I would be in the family room. And sometimes it became a method for us to "discuss" things giving me the written method I needed to think clearly.
And the days we didn't talk on IM, I missed him very much.
I miss it tons now.

So in lieu of not talking to him, I started reading the IM logs that meebo keeps.
It was so nice to read things. I have about 51 days worth dating back to June 3, 2008. Some are super short. And some are sweet. Some even made me cry.
However, I had to force myself to read the "discussions" we had over IM. I can not idolize Roger and make him into a saint. I must realize and remember that we did fight.
And not always effectively.
I had already forgot some things that were so incredibly Roger.
Like "Buh-bye". And "COOLness".
How can I already be forgetting...
And I re-reading them made me miss even more our silly banter.

I will try to share some of them just to show a side to Roger that I don't think a lot of people know.
The one below is particularly special to me because I always wondered if Roger loved "our house" like I loved our house.
When we bought the house, I was jumping up and down for joy. Roger, well, he was cool calm, and collected. He was sick the day we signed the contract and posed with the SOLD sign so again, he didn't seem excited.
Roger told me many times that just because he doesn't show excitement like I do, doesn't mean he isn't excited or isn't happy with something but I guess there were still doubts in my head.
It is apparent in the discussion below.
And somehow when Roger and I had this discussion I missed that key part about our house.
How could I have missed something so important?! Because IM is fast and conversation moves uber fast.
As I read it on Friday, it was really comforting to see it.
Comforting to know he loved this house. "Our" house.
So without further delay and with a little editing to protect us:

June 19, 2008
Star J: i feel so trapped
Roger J: me sorry
Star J: I've gotten us into this cause i wanted the "our" house
Star J: and that's the worst feeling
Roger J: I don't think we did anything wrong
Star J: I've trapped myself into making a certain level income
Roger J: we have talked about the money thing in the past...
Roger J: you cant seem to find anything you would like regardless of the pay
Star J: I'm applying all the time
Star J: i can't find someone who likes me at any pay level
Roger J: I don't think its just you.. and as hard as it is not to, you cant assume its you
Roger J: its like saying nobody likes the old house
Roger J: the market its at the state that nobody is hiring easily
Roger J: the only ones that are hiring our tech jobs cause they help eliminate the other positions
Roger J: and you don't want a tech job
Roger J: but anyways .. my point was simply .. you shouldn't say "I got us into this situation" ... because regardless of if we lived at the old house or the new house.. you would still need to be working
Star J: yeah, but if we were in the old house, i could go work as a pharmacy tech
Star J: and make $30,000 a year
Roger J: I don't know if you can simply assume that...
Roger J: cause now you are saying, we need the money to be comfortable
Roger J: to make minimums
Roger J: but how do you know that we wouldn't be looking at your salary as paying off the wedding or other things
Roger J: even if we were at the old house
Roger J: I guess my point is that our perceptions have changed because we made a lot of changes in a short time
Roger J: so I am suggesting to not second guess are decisions
Roger J: I mean we could say .. if we hadn't had a wedding ... we would be even less in debt
Roger J: but I love the fact we got married.. thus I don't mind the expenses
Roger J: I love the fact we bought the house.. thus I don't mind the extra debt
Roger J: so like I said.. we shouldn't be playing what if games.. we shouldn't second guess our actions
Star J: again, like i said in the beginning of this, you have no idea how it feels here
Roger J: I have some idea...
Roger J: and I know its frustrated that there is little you can do
Star J: not just mildly annoying
Roger J: but I cant do anything, except listen.. and tell you I think it will all work out for the best in the end
Roger J: don't you think its frustrating for me too... that there is nothing I can do to help you.. to see you get frustrated..
Roger J: so all I can do is listen.. and tell you I think it will all work out for the best in the end
Roger: and I truly believe in the end it will all be good

I had such a wonderful husband.
He loved being married to me.
He did love our house.
And it will be good in the end. It will be good in the end...

No comments: