Friday, November 28, 2008

Thankful for...

... Thanksgiving being over.

Thankfully, I am at a place that Roger has never been before.  
There are no direct memories of him here.  
Just the indirect ones.
And how I wish that were enough to just get away from his memory or our memories for a few minutes.
But it doesn't stop.

I felt myself on the edge of breaking down all day yesterday.  
I wanted to cry but felt like I couldn't in front of these people.
How would they react?
How would I react?

It's funny how some people do deal with me.
They just don't mention him.
But I'm not sure if that helps.
It just makes me think of him enough for everyone plus some.

I still get the question of "It's been 3 months. Are you doing better?"
No, I am not!
I just am better at hiding it.
I'm better at putting on makeup and putting my hair together so I look decent.
I'm better at smiling through the pain.
I'm better at laughing but I am still crying when no one is around.

It's been three months today.
Three months is almost unbelievable.
How can that be?
It feels like three years since I have talked to him or held him.
But at the same time has frozen and its only been three days.  

I miss him like a migraine that just can't be cured.
I want him like a homeless person wants a home.
I just want to go back in time.
Wake up from this very bad dream.

He was so real yet almost not.
It's like sitting down in that chair you know is there but someone has moved it.
The "chair" was just there.
Where did it go?
I wouldn't have sat down if it wasn't there.
But its gone.
Someone took it away.
Like a really bad prank.
And the joke is on me.

"Oh, so you thought you had it all?  You thought life was going great.  Well, surprise!!  You are the winner of the shitty end of the stick."

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