Wednesday, November 5, 2008

It has only been 2.5 months

But it feels like most people expect me to be done.
Its been 10 weeks. That's like 70 days. 1,680 hours. 100,800 minutes.
That's plenty of time for most things for most people.
But not grieving.
They expect the old me which according to things I've read won't be coming back.
They expect me to be over the grieving process since they are starting to move on.
But even though I'm not crying in front of everyone, doesn't mean I'm done.

Roger was my everyday life.
He wasn't just the guy you saw once a year at special conferences.
He wasn't just the cousin you see once every few months.
He wasn't just the friend you saw once a week.
He was my in and out day to day.

Maybe its my fault for being so strong.
People think they can't let go of holding me up.
But please don't leave me yet.
I still need you all.

Please don't ask me "how are you doing?"
or "How are you?"
Especially in that weird condescending voice.
I hate that weird condescending voice.

The blog "Crash Course Widow" which I read regularly is a lot like me.
She was 27 when her husband died.
He died suddenly in a freak accident.
And they hadn't been together long.
Even about the same time of year.
And our birthdays are a few days apart.
She is three years into widowhood and she's still not 100%.
She considers herself still in the grief process.
She even says year 2 was harder than year 1.

With the holidays quickly approaching, please don't let go of me.
Don't stop the prayers.
Don't stop asking for lunch or dinner.
Don't stop inviting me places even if it is all couples attending.
Try to remember what holidays/ordinary days matter to me.
I still need you.

8 comments:

Layne said...

Check your MySpace messages. I had some words for you. I know they won't help but just wanted to write.

Joanne said...

Star, I'm so sorry you feel abandoned. I know that this process is very long and arduous and I consider you one of my best friends. I want to be there for you as much as possible. I'm sending you lots of hugs.

robyn said...

we are all completely still here for you, sweetie! pedicures soon! :) xoxo

Kitty Bear said...

You met me once...but I'll keep reading and leaving comments..

...and eventually I'd love to meet you all over again, under different circumstances, when you're up for it.

I know just from reading this blog, you have TONS of friends, and they'll all still be around. Me too, even.

dkaufmanuf said...

Ditto what Joanne said- I've heard the hardest part is when your friends leave to return to their "normal" life, but your good friends will never leave so you shouldn't worry about that! My offer still stands for Christmas....

Chris and Jaime said...

Star,

I loss my brother 12 years ago and to this day I still think about him almost every day. The greiving never really stops you just learn to put it off in the back of your mind while you attend to your "normal life". It's a day to day process. Although I have never met you I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this one day at a time.

Nery1202 said...

You and Roger will NEVER come off my prayer list :-)
I know the holidays will be tough on you. If you ever want to get away and hang out (even though we never have) let me know! :-)I could use a girls day/night out myself :-)

Lisa said...

Star,
I haven't forgotten you and I will continue to be here for you through this long process.