Wow that was hard

I knew it would be hard. I knew that I had to be very strong. I had to put on my game face.
I didn't realize it would be that hard.
It hurt.
It stung.
It felt like my heart was being ripped apart.
I missed him so much.
Not only was I single, I am the single girl due to her husband's death.
A very recent death.
A death that was sudden and I was there.

I went to my good friends' wedding this past weekend.
It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed myself, I really did.
They had great music and it was beautiful and just a good time.

But...
It was also a reminder of what I lost.
Of everything I do not have.
And everything everyone else does have.


I forgot my tissues for the ceremony.
As a friend handed me a tissue cause I just couldn't contain my tears, I prayed that no one would touch me. I would not be able to keep it together if someone touched me.
I prayed I wasn't too loud as I sniffled.

And as Sean and Deborah made their vows, I remembered my own.
I remembered Rogers.
Death do us part.


In the reading of Sean and Deborah's ketubah, the last words mentioned appreciating each day that you wake up next to each other.
Those words echoed inside my head over and over again.
Why?
Why did we get so little time?
Why do I wake up each morning alone?


As we moved through each step of the wedding, my own wedding played in my head.
I thought about what it would be like with Roger there with me.
What we would be commenting on.
How cute he would be in his yarmulke.
How we would dance the night away together.
We could practice our foxtrot.
I would have a partner for the slow dances that wasn't someone who just felt sorry for "the girl with the dead husband".

Thankfully I did have a great support system there.
And I'm grateful for those who did support me 110%.
But I still feel a stigma of some of my friends.
They don't stand too close.
They don't want to be associated me for too long.
It as if I smell of death.
Perhaps I do.