Sunday, November 9, 2008

"you won't like me when I am angry"

I have a hard time with anger.
Now for sure and before most definitely.
Preface: Here are some little known fact about me. At least I'd like to pretend they are little known.
First, I hate conflict.
Second, I hate when people are angry with me.
Third, the only way to work it out is to talk it out.
Now, I hate to even get to the point of anger.
I'll walk away before I say something I regret.
I am an internal processor.
I don't like to actually talk through my thoughts.

As many people know, one of the stages of grief is anger.
I think this is the most difficult stage for me.
I know this is what happens.
I know this is healthy.
I know this is normal.
But for whatever reason, I can't get myself to be angry with Roger, God, or the other driver.
Why not?
Cause I can't resolve the anger in the ways I'm used to.
I don't know how to resolve anger with people who aren't here.

And honestly parts of me are angry.
I don't understand why this happened to me.
I don't understand why this happened in our lives.
Why Roger?

Roger promised to take care of me.
He made vows to me.
He gave me that savings bond.
But he promised!!

And the other driver...
Well, I actually feel sorry for him.
Yes, I feel sorry for him.
I feel bad that he has to feel the guilt.
That he could possibly loose his job.
I'm sure he is having financial issues as well.
Especially since he couldn't possibly afford tires.
But it is annoying that he was driving in Florida of all states with bald tires.
Effing bald tires.
Not just annoying but angering.
Especially in hurricane season when it rains almost every day.
He had to have known his tires sucked.
He had to have hydroplaned on a daily basis all summer.

And God...
How dare He!
How dare He give Roger to me then take him away.
Why us!!
There are so many people who have done such horrible things and they have a normal life.
Why do I have to suffer?
Why not them?
Why us!

Funny thing though...
It will find its way out.
And usually on the most unexpecting person.
And to those people, I'm sorry... in advance.
I will try to better.

1 comment:

John Moeller said...

hmmm, I think lunch is in order..... my treat.....

and... it's ok to be angry... it's all part of the process and no one can skip it.. it will just come back around again.