Thursday, November 20, 2008

The last meal

As I have mentioned previously, I don't really have cravings for specific food much anymore. They are slowly coming back, but, for the most part, eating is an even bigger chore than before all this.
I stand in front of the fridge or the pantry and just stare.
Nothing jumps out at me. I don't want any of these things.
I ask friends for ideas.
And Siobhan is always helpful. For a while I took her PB&J suggestion.
Today I needed a new one.

I just hate going to the grocery store. I feel like its a waste of my money since most of the time things expire before I can eat them.
Plus we went to the grocery store together. A lot. Or Roger would go for me.
I also see the foods he liked and it just makes me want to cry. The gallons of apple juice he drank. Or some weird smoothie thing. Olives. Specific cheeses. Honey smoked turkey. Blue corn chips. I could go on and on.

So today, knowing that I was going to the movies later and I would be eating carbs for dinner, I decided to have some protein for lunch.
I decided to make an egg sandwich.
It's quick. It's easy.
And it was our last meal together.
I quickly remembered this fact as I was preparing it.

Roger's bread was toasted and mine was not.
I had cheese on mine and Roger didn't want any.
He had been running errands and I had just had my hair chemically straightened.
We were both hungry and we didn't have a lot of food in the house.
Neither of us had gone to the grocery store since we were going on vacation.
But the eggs were still good and we could be eating in a matter of minutes.

If I'd only known...
I would have made his favorite recipe of mine - ginger chicken with carrots and green peppers.
He loved it. But it took a while. Probably cause I'm just slow at chopping things and/or I hate touching raw meat.
He said it reminded him of Thai food. Another one of his favorites.
I hadn't made it in months.
And I haven't made it since.

But instead, I did something quick. Something so we could to some chores, pack, and get ready for the next morning.
And as we sat on our respective sides of the couch and ate our dinner, I never in a million years imagined this would be our last.
And especially his last.

Of course they feed him through a tube at the hospital.
A nice protein shake formula.
At least he loved protein shakes.

On his last day, they stopped feeding him.
I understand it was because of the organ donation surgery.
It still bothered me.
I wish I could in some miraculous way given him his ginger chicken at least then.
I knew then it was his last day.
Our last day.

1 comment:

Joanne said...

Star, whether it was ginger chicken, an egg sandwich or just a pb&j, I know that Roger loved every meal because it was with you.

I know your days aren't getting easier, but Javier and I think about you every day. I owe you about a million hugs. You are a beautiful person, Star.

I will see you soon.

Love you,